Self Insertion

Disclaimer:You should know the drill by now.

You should know all the rest that come after as well. If you've read THIS far!

Chapter 15

Hey not the neck!

A desolate street. Nobody around the trees in the distance swaying in the wind like a bunch of monkeys doing the wave. The wind picked up all of a sudden and a portal opens in the middle of the trees.

"YIII!"

Thump

"Hey Evan!! We're in a forest!"

"Is it a Mermaid Forest?" Evan asked as he stood up.

"No."Josh said as he stood up and held the web ball holding his children carefully. "I'm pretty sure this is a normal forest. Let's go try to find civilization so that we can find out where we are." Josh walked for a moment. And found a chalk outline in the middle of the grass of a person, he then noticed that they were surrounded by police tape.

"I wanted to see mermaids!" Evan complained. "That chalk outline doesn't look anything like a mermaid."

Evan then ran to catch up with Josh, who was at the edge of the forest by a road. "Hmmm This scene seems familiar." He noted. He shrugged and continued down the road.

************

A few hours later. Joshes stomach growled. He was a she now courtesy of a car and a puddle. The car drove by and then Josh thought it would be fun to jump in the puddle. Who would have thought it would trigger the change. "I'm hungry! How about you?" She asked her companion.

Evan shrugged. "All three of my symbiotes are hungry for brains." Josh shrugged and looked across the street.

"Will a burger do?"

Evan shrugged. "Meh."

So our hero's walked across the street and entered the burger place and they lived happily ever after eating burgers. Josh smiled as he bit into the succulent juicy burger. "You know, the real world's burgers aren't near as good as these ones. Cartoons got it good."

"How do you know this is a cartoon?" Evan asked.

Josh shrugged. "I just saw Alex and Joe from Crimson. I'm going to go talk to them for a bit before Alex wigs out and chased after that chick with the boobs." Josh then got up and walked over to the two vampire's table.

"Most chicks have boobsyou have boobs you're not even a chick."

A spoon impacted with the skull of a certain dumbass.

(I'm not a certain dumbass, I am _the_ dumbass!)

"Hi." Josh said as he stood beside Alex and Joe's table, shifting the weight of her children. "You're Alex Elder right?" She asked. "The, cliché, chosen one?"

Alex looked up from his orgasmic burger and looked confused. "How do you know who I am?" He asked. Josh jumped over Alex and sat between him and the window so that he wouldn't see the vampire gang when they drove by on their motorcycles.

Josh shrugged. "I'm not a vampire so you don't have to worry about that. Why don't you go visit you're family?" Josh asked. "They're probably worried about you. You may be a vampire but that wouldn't matter if you're family truly loved you. And what about you're girl friend? The brown haired chick that works at the coffee shop?"

Alex looked a little angry now as he glared at Josh. "Hey who ARE you! How do you know so much about me?"

Josh chuckled. "You're life is an open book to me Alexan open COMIC book! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh that's a good one, gotta write that down." She muttered to herself.

"Uh Josh you're pissing off vampires. Is that smart?" Evan asked as he walked up to the table.

Josh smirked. "The day a vampire gets the best of me and my Spider Sense is the day I no actually it'll just never happen."

Joe looked confused. "Spider Sense? Like Spider Man? Only a girl?" He asked.

Josh looked surprised. "What!? You have comic books here?! Hmmm I didn't think either of you would get that reference. Being another universe and all. Ah well I'm outta here!" Josh said as she jumped over Alex and stuck to the ceiling. Walking out of the Burger joint upside down.

Josh then spun a web line and started swinging after the vampire biker gang.

Evan looked at the two vampires. "Um, sorry about my friend, she is kind of nuts after her wife had kids. Overprotective and insane. I think it's that time of month if you know what I mean." Evan said, apologizing to the vampires.

They shrugged it of, "You should probably go catch your friend before someone kills her." Evan nodded laughing a bit. Joe continued, "NO, I'm serious, I seen this vampire biker gang drive by and she started chasing them. You really should stop her." Evan's eyes went wide.

"This is going to be a long night." He muttered as he morphed his legs into the crimson armour and took off at a high speed after Josh.

*************

A few minutes later Evan found Josh, stalking something in a local subway. He crept up on his friend and whispered from a distance. "Jooossshhh. Oh Joooosssshhh. What is God's name are you doooing. They are vampiiiirrres. They bit peeeople. It huuurts."

All of a sudden Evan felt something bite his neck. "Huh?" Evan turned around and saw a black vampire chick with huge jubblies. "Oh I see what he meant." Evan then proceeded to pummel the vampire as more appeared and Josh came to the rescue, with his kids in a backpack of webbing. Evan already killed them all though. He was going completely insane. Tentacles of symbiote flew in random directions, his crimson armour, and the Guyver turning on and off, and Evan was thrashing about wildly screaming in utter agony. His symbiotes then flew off of him in every direction and he fell to the ground dead. Josh looked at the bloody mess of a subway and frowned. "Oh poo." I guess I'll just wait for him to turn into a vampire. She said as she noticed the bite marks in his neck.

***********************

Four hours later. "Whoah what hit me?" Evan asked as he came back to unlife.

Josh smiled as he stared at Evan. "How do you feel?" She asked.

Evan looked around and squinted his eyes. "Strange I've only got one voice in my head MINE!!! Creepy. Other than that, , I'm hungry." Josh smirked.

"For blood?"

"Uh not really. Is it Mermaid Blood?"

Joshes face dropped and she looked at him confused. "Where are you getting this Mermaid crap!?"

Evan shrugged. "I don't know Ask Rumiko Takahashi. She should know She knows all. About stuff."

Josh punched him.

"What was that for?" Evan asked as he rubbed his jaw. "I could use some food and you deck me." Evan shook his head. "This world is crazy."

Josh just stared at him. "You have no idea what happened to you. Do you?" Evan raised an eyebrow curiously.

"And should I? I mean I feel normal except the fact that no voices are telling me I want brains for every meal of the day. And I'd say that's an improvement if I ever saw one." Evan said, crossing his arms.

"Ok, then I will break the news to you. Evan, you have been turned." Evan looked confused.

"And?"

"Idiot! You are a vampire now! Your symbiotes left you after you died!" Josh screamed, upsetting Morden.

"Ok, that explains the pain in the neck and the lack of voices. So, what now? I mean, I just became immortal unless someone hits me with garlic or splashes me with water that some TV priest said was good for them. I say party till dawn!" Evan said walking up to the curtains that where drawn shut. "Or is it dawn now?"

Josh shrugged. "I've been down here in the subway with you and the dead vampires since you went crazy and lost you're symbiotes they died by the way. I'll go get us some burgers. Apparently in this universe their healthy is that not the scariest thought?"

Evan nodded, "I suppose, but burgers can't kill me. Tanks can't kill me! Only a spice can kill me!!! This is cool!!" He screamed as he started to float without knowing it.

Josh shrugged. "You better wake up Evan! The world you live in is just a sugar coated topping! There"

Evan cut her off. "No! No Blade speech!!" Evan said.

Josh shrugged. "It seemed appropriate. I'll do it when we get to the actual Blade Universe. I'm pretty sure we will."

Josh then left for the burger place. "I think I'll go see what Ape face is up to." She muttered and then skipped out of the subway towards the old abandoned church that the old ugly guy is shackin up at. As Josh skipped across town in thje daylight she sang the Green Acres song.

"Greeeeen acres is the place to be.

Faaaaaarm livin is the life for me.

Laaaaaaand stretched out it's so far and wide!

Keep manhattan just give me that countryside.

Badaba da ba

BA. BA."

Josh then stopped when he came upon the old church, chapel, whatever. And walked inside. "EEEEEKIIII!!! EKIMUUUUSSS!! APE FACEEEE!!!!" Josh looked around and then shrugged. "Now I am all alone!" She said sadly before a dark ominous figure appeared from the shadow.

"Who are you girl?" He asked in a dark voice.

Josh put on her best anime chick face and jumped at Ekimus. "It's so CUUUUUTTE!" She yelled as she hugged the Vampire like creature. "You're like a big fluffy teddy bear!!from hell." Josh then stepped back and looked seriously at the flabbergasted immortal. "So how's Satan? He get those cookies I sent?"

************

(In Hell) Satan looked at the gift wrapped package in front of him in confusion. He opened it to reveal a basket of chocolate chip cookies. "How the hell did these get down here?" He mused to himself. He then shrugged and devoured the sweet treats.

************

Ekimus looked confused. "Are you on drugs?" He asked.

"No. I hate drugs, for the devil they are." Josh said looking serious. Then she cracked a bit of a smile, "Well maybe just a little."

Ekimus shook his head. "Who are you and how do you know my name?" He asked darkly.

"I read it in a comic and I am Josh. Plain. Simple. Aquatransexual." Josh said, seemingly unphased.

Ekimus looked the young girl over. "A comic? I doubt you are telling the truth. Your identity is also questionable. And to be Frank, this is not a good impression to be giving an immortal." He stated.

"I'm a friend of Alex. Let's leave it at that." Josh offered.

Ekimus nodded. "Finally a reasonable answer. Alex is prone to get some interesting friends as a vampire. Now then, I'll believe you till I have a reason not to, but I am curious as to your business here."

"Social visit. Thought I could hang with you guys. Sides, Alex doesn't have much to do now that my friend killed the vampire gang that turned him." Josh said, pulling up a half rotted chair.

"So your friend killed them. Interesting. I suppose you can stay here for a short period of time. So long as Alex permits it." Ekimus said, intrigued by the girls not present friend. "So tell me about your friend."

**************

Evan sat in a pool of vampire blood. "This is boring. I thought vampires could have fun, but I can't even go out on the town except at night and that isn't for a long time. And I'm a messy killer." He said, admiring his handywork. "I really dressed this place up with intestines." He said grimly as he started to spell his name in the pool of drying blood. "And I'm even developing morbid vampire humor. This is a turn for the worse. I should probably call Blink and tell her I'm undead. She'd get a kick out of that." He mused, remembering his intricate version of playing dead.

Evan dug the phone out of his back jean pocket. "Having to do work for myself is new. I kind of like not being dependant on alien lifeforms." He thought out loud as he punched in the code for Blink's phone.

After a few minutes a picture of Blink's face appeared on the small view screen of the phone. "Hey hon." Evan said, sounding kind of downtrodden.

Blink smiled "How are you Evy? You sound sad. What happened?" Evan smiled slightly.

"Well I died for one thing. Then I became a vampire." Blink looked horrified.

"Y-You're joking. Right? Please say you're joking." Evan shook his head and bared his fangs.

"No can do. A vamp snuck up on me and bit me before I could do anything. I-I wanted you to know." Evan hung his head, his fangs turning back to normal teeth.

"Well I'm glad you just told me outright instead of hiding it. Is there any cure? I mean you are the smartest person I know, you have to come up with something!" She said, pleading desperately but knowing that nothing could be done.

Evan shook his head again. "I have to deal with it. I'll work on the cure, but I don't know if I'll be successful. But I'll try at least." He said with a tinge of hope sparked from his girlfriend.

"And Evan." Blink said, her words faltering slightly.

"More bad stuff?" Evan asked.

"Depends on your point of view. I'd say it is something to counter act the bad." Evan looked intrigued.

"Go on."

"I'm pregnant!" Blink said cheerily.

Evan perked up a bit. "That's good. I'm happy for you."

Blink smiled. "Be happy for both of us. I got time off the field so that the baby can be born without problems."

Evan forced a smile. "So the old War horse is letting one of his troops actually take a break? This is new." He joked.

Blink laughed. "Yeah, if I had known before I'd be pregnant all the time." Evan smiled, this time not having to force it.

"Well, I had better go. Bye. And thanks Blink."

"Sure thing baby. See you later." She said as the screen went black.

"I'm a dad." Evan muttered. "I am definitely not ready for this." He said as he leaned back on one of the only clean spots in his vicinity. "I don't know if I should cry or jump for joy. This is too weird."

**************

Josh looked around the old cathedral and smiled. "This place is a dump!" Ekimus frowned but said nothing and continued leading Josh to wherever the hell they were going. "This place could definitely use a woman's touch." Josh said. "If only there was a woman around that could stand the sight of you."

Ekimus hand balled into a fist and he frowned as he lead her on.

"HEY! How about Liseth! She's the mother of all vampires. I'm sure she wouldn't mind cleaning up a bit here and there. After all she slept with you. Those would be some weird kids." She said, muttering the last part under her breath.

"How do you!?" Ekimus questioned the blonde haired girl.

Josh shrugged. "I don't know."

Ekimus growled and then turned around in a huff. Josh began mimicking his every move and then when Ekimus turned around to glare at her for it she was gone. "Where did she go?" He wondered. As he looked around the large room.

"YOO HOOO!!! Up here ape face!" Josh said as she clung to the ceiling. I really fooled you that time. HA!" Josh then jumped down to face the demon person thingy.

*She know's so much about us! About ME!* Ekimus thought as he stared at the girl. *She has the ability to walk in the sunlight and can fly. She's a vampire! She must be THE CHOSEN ONE!!*

"No I'm not!" Josh said. "Alex is the Chosen one. You know that! He's the one destined to kill Liseth and all even though it's actually you who does but who really pays attention to that. The good looking people get all the credit. Too bad you don't fit into that category eh Eki?" Josh said digging an elbow into the older one's ribs.

That was the last straw and Ekimus thrust out a fist towards the Aquatransexual. Josh jumped up and dodged it. She then began jumping around Ekimus and gave him a few hundred Amaguriken punches. When Ekimus was laid out on the ground defeated Josh smiled. "That was fun. Same time tomorrow ugly?" Josh then walked away. "When is Alex going to get here?"

**********************

Alex and Joe had been searching all night for the elusive vampire biker gang that Josh had chased. Finally their search ended in a subway. "Hey! You are the guys from the burger place!" Evan called out to the vampire pair. "Yeah, you missed the action. But then, so did I in a way I just confused myself." Evan said, raising an eyebrow in an attempt to get his point back.

"What do you mean 'missed the action'?" Alex asked.

"Um look around. I just happen to be sitting in the gore of many a biker vampire. Fear not world for I Evan have smitten these foul beasts without even realising what was going on." Evan joked, raising one hand in the air to emphasize his point.

"YOU WHAT!?!" Alex screamed. "THEY WHERE MINE!!"

Joe held his friend back. "Calm down Alex, at least the bastards got what they deserved." He said looking at the mess. "And then some." He muttered.

"Yeah well, They bit me and my super powered symbiotes responded violently." Evan said passing a hand over the carnage.

Alex calmed down slightly. "Well, I can't do anything about it now." He said, shaking his head disappointedly.

Joe nodded. "Well, I guess we stay here for now." He said, changing the topic, "Cause it's day now, and we'd get pretty toasty if we tried."

Evan laughed. "Ah the irony of being immortal. You can live forever but you can't do a thing.." He mused.

All of a sudden Joe pulled out a bag of Burgers from out of nowhere. "Chu guy hungry?" He asked.

Evan shrugged. "You got fries?"

*****************

"SHE'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!" Ekimus screamed as he clutched his head. "why woný she stop singing?" He wondered sadly.

Josh all of a sudden came out of the shower but naked and walked around. "Hey! Kimus! Where the junk food at!?" A pinkish blue glow then suirrounded the room and Josh smiled. "Ah my wife is here."

"Wife?' Ekimus wondered as he stared at the strange pink glow, careful not to harm the twins that he was entrusted to hold while Josh took her shower.

A brown haired woman all of a sudden appeared in front of Ekimus. She noticed the children in the immortal's arms and screamed as loud as she could. Josh frowned as she noticed that a strange immortal monstrous being was holding her children. "Kasumi! You've got the wrong idea!" The naked female josh said in defence of Ekimus.

Kasumi ran over to Josh and embraced the magically transformed martial artist. "What is that thing doing with our babies!?" She said fearful for her children's safety.

Josh smiled and waved it off. "Relax! That's Ekimus, he's a vampire like demon who is the former lead general for the armies of Hell. He's harmless! Mord and Lil are perfectly safe with him!" Kasumi went pale.

"How long have you known him? Uh it is him right?"

Josh frowned. "Sometimes I wonder! I met him about twenty minutes ago."

SMACK!!

Kasumi slapped her inter-dimensional husband and glared at him. "YOU ENTRUSTED THE SAFETY OF OUR CHILDREN TO A DEMON YOU JUST MET!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed.

Josh shuddered in all her nakedness. Did I mention she's naked!? Kasumi's aura turned a visible red colour. "This does not bode well." Josh muttered before being flattened by a mallet that was twice his size. "ow." She muttered. Josh jumped up with bruises all over her body and glared at her wife. "YOU SHOULD'NT BE ABLE TO DO THAT IN THIS UNIVERSE!!! PUT IT AWAY BEFORE YOU DISRUPT THE QUANTUM TIME ENERGIES!!! Or something along those lines." Josh yelled at Kasumi.

They stopped and looked at each other for a moment, both of them breathing heavily. "Y'know it's been a while." Josh muttered. She looked over to Ekimus and looked serious for once. "Watch our kids a few seconds longer Ape face. We'll be right back."

Josh then grabbed Kasumi's hand and the two ran out of the large room to find some place, private.

Ekimus stared at the space where he had last seen the pair and looked confused. "How the hell do two girls have babies?" He wondered out loud. Just before Joe and Alex, along with their new pal Evan(smile), came up through the trap door that leads through the sewer systems of the city.

"So Al, introduce me to your big friend." Evan said as he rung sewer water out of his socks.

"That's Ape face." Joe stated, "And he had babies! Who is the lucky lady?"

Ekimus was still in a state of shock, pondering the chances of two women having a child, let alone twins.

"Hey. Isn't that Morden and Lilith?" Evan questioned the pondering ponderer of an immortal.

"Yes, that is what their mother called them"

"Blond hair?" Evan asked, Ekimus nodded, still seeming to be spaced out.

"Oh, that's not their mom! That's their dad!"

Ekimus surely would have face faulted if the universe's physics would allow him. "WHAT!! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!!"

"I don't have to go through the birds and the bees do I?" Evan questioned with a groan.

Ekimus looked strangely at the boy. "No. I have lived long enough to figure that out myself."

"Not those bees and birds! The springs of _drowned_ birds or bees!!" Evan said, making a happy arm gesture.

"Wha." Ekimus said, showing his confusion.

"I'll demonstrate. This, is Joe." Evan said, making a Vana White gesture towards the vampire named Joe. "This is a bucket." He said, summoning a bucket from nowhere with the almost forgotten magic powers he possessed.

"How did he do that?" Alex asked Joe.

"Where did he get that bucket?" Ekimus muttered to no one in particular.

"Joe is a male. If I empty the buckets contents on Joe he is no longer male!" Evan said as he tossed the bucket onto Joe's head.

"When did that water get there?" A female version of Joe asked.

"J-Joe." Alex said in a state of disbelief.

"What?" Joe asked.

"You've got boobs."

Joe looked down. "Yeah I do CHU GONNA DIE HONKIE!!!" He screamed as he leapt towards Evan in a state of pure rage. Evan tried to do his card trick on Joe butt it worked too well and Joe went flying through the roof into the daylight, opening up a large sun roof letting more light in. Alex and Ekimus got out of the way before they fried and hid in the shadows.

"YOU BASTARD!!" Alex yelled at Evan, who was starting to sizzle, having forgotten about the Vampire thing.

"He'll live, I made him turn into a HUMAN girl! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. OWW! THE FLESH IT FEELS LIKE BACONBURNING!!!!!!" Evan then jumped into the shadows, when sufficiently hidden from the light hew smiled. "mmmm bacon."

About a minute later, a clothed, female Josh and Kasumi, heavily sweating, came back into the room. Before they could get a word out Evan yelled. "Wasn't me!"

Josh smiled and stood in the sunbeam. "Ah sunroof. C'mon Kas, let's enjoy it's glowing warmth." Josh sat down and looked happy, Kasumi joined her and they held hands while watching the Joe silhouette fall towards them. "Isn't that nice?" Josh said before a pink glow made Kasumi disappear and Joe landed on her. "Oof."

"Who is this woman?" Josh asked indicating Joe.

"That's Joe." Evan said. "I gave him some nyanichuann." Josh nodded. "Oh welcome to the club!" Josh said taking Joe's hand in his own.

"My name is Joe and I'm an alcoholic!" Joe muttered in pain before falling into unconsciousness.

********************

"So you two are a pair of normal people from a normal world that were sent into another dimension after reading a spell that you got off the Internet and now you travel across dimensions looking for your home dimensions, picking up strange things in every dimension." Alex asked incredulously.

Josh nodded. "Yeah that's about it. But, we haven't really picked up something from every Universe. I just got married on the first one, and got Spider Man powers in the second one. It's no biggy." Joe looked confused.

"But why did'jour stupit friend turn me into a woman?" Joe asked.

Josh shrugged. "He does stuff like that. It's because he has a tendency to be a complete dumbass at times and an absolute genius other times. "

"Oh." Evan smiled as thought he didn't comprehend a word that came out of either of their mouths. As Joe said this.

"So who wants burgers?" Josh asked. Everyone shrugged and they all went to get burgers. They all lived happily ever after. (Will you STOP THAT!?)

******************

THWIP!!

"Look ma! It's Spider Man!" The woman in her thirties looked up and sure enough a person was swinging through the city on weblines making way to a nearby burger joint. Josh glided through the air and waved to some of the people below as they took pictures and stared at the airial display above them. Just then Josh heard sirens nearby. "Hmmm." She muttered. "Must be a robbery going on?" Josh did an about face and sweung towards the sirens hoping to catch a piece of the action. To the amazing spider Girl's confusion the Police car was coming towards her and stopped once it reached her.

A police man stepped out of the car and pulled out a megaphone. "Maám? I'm going to ask you to stop where you are and put your hands behind your head! You are creating a public disturbance." Josh looked shocked and dropped down to the street below.

Josh pulled out a badge that she carried around with her and walked up to the policeman. "I am an officer of the LAW!!" Josh yelled. "I don't always have my uniform on but I am ALWAYS on duty!" Josh put away her badge and turned around. To leave.

"Hold on missy!" The policeman said. "Let me see that badge! You don't look any older than 18 years old. You can't be a cop!"

Josh walked up and handed the man her badge. "I have ahusband(shudder) and TWO children to provide for. However young I am doesn't matter. This is a job and I need it!" Josh then yanked her badge back and smiled. "Have a nice day officer." She said before spinning a web to a nearby building.

"Meleunski?" The officer said to his partner.

"Yeah?" Melunski replied.

"Have the guys at the station look up a Josh VanHalteren. There's something fishy about this chick."

"Fishy? She has a guy's name!" Melunski said.

"Too true."

*******************

Evan hung from the ceiling with his new vampire claws. *This is fun. No wonder Josh hangs on ceilings all the time. * Evan sighed deeply. *I really need something to do other than hang from a ceiling... but what? * Evan hung there for a few minutes pondering.

"YESSS!!!!.... no.... YESSS!!!.... no.... YESSSSSSSSSSSssssssss.... no. Sssssssss... THAT COULD WORK!!!" Both Alex and Joe stared at the newly turned vampire with a look of pure confusion.

"What is he doing?" Alex asked, unable to turn away from the odd spectacle.

"I think he's on drugs." Joe commented, Alex nodded his agreement.

Evan flipped off of the ceiling and landed on his feet, leaving a small crater in the floor. "See you guys later!! I'm going to become a intergalactic assassin!!" Both Joe and Alex stared at the underground tunnel Evan had just entered. "Wha?" They both said.

********

Evan wandered the subway tunnels of New York looking for gun wielding thugs to kill. *I need weapons. And New York is the only place to go!* He mentally exclaimed as he waved thousand yen bills around and screamed in Japanese. "PLEASE MUG ME!!! I WANT TO TAKE YOUR WEAPONS AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD!!"

All of a sudden a dirty man with bloodshot eyes walked up to Evan with a magnum in hand. "Give me all your money." He said as he pointed the gun at Evan's chest.

"No." Evan responded in perfect English as he leapt for the man's throat. Six shots rang through the empty subway station, three of which impacted with Evan. "Ouch. Those sting. Betcha this hurts more though!" Evan grinned as he grabbed the man by the neck and sunk his teeth in deep, then proceeded to drain the man of his vital fluids. (BLOOD YOU PERVS!!! you have a disgusting mind.)

Five minutes later Evan finished loading the magnum. "Jackpot." He stated as he wiped the blood from his mouth. "Just like Deadpool... hehehe... just like Deadpool..."

***********

"Get anything Melunski?" Asked the police officer who was currently standing over another man at a desk who was currently typing at a computer.

The man spun around in his chair and looked confused. "Yeah. Check it out." Melunski then pointed to the screen that had a police record of a man who was twenty years old with long blonde hair and had at least fourteen arrest warrants in fourteen countries. "This guy Josh VanHalteren is actually one of the most wanted criminals in the world, theft, burglary first degree murder, you name it he's done it!"

The other officer stroked the goatee on his chubby ass face and frowned. "So this ass hole played us for fools... he's probably got all sorts of high tech thieving and killing devices. That officer Spider Girl thing was just a clever ruse."

"Looks that way."

"We've got to do EVERYTHING in our power to bring this perp down. Now that we know where he is!"

***************

Josh, currently in female form and in civies, was laughing her head off. "That was the funniest thing I've ever seen!" She muttered to herself while wiping the tears from her eyes. The credits on the large silver screen rolled and she stood up to leave the theater. She had just realized earlier that this world had some huge similarities to her own... they had comics... and movies based on comics. She had just finished watching Blade 2.

Just then she was stopped by two security guards. "Excuse us miss. How old are you?" Asked one of them.

Josh shrugged. "How old do you think I am?"

The other guy glared at her. "We's asked you'se foist!"

"You tell em Sluck!" The other man cheered him on.

"Tanks Grimey." He then turned his attention back to Josh. "Di here movies Rated R! How old is you'se!"

Josh giggled and put on the little school girl act. "I'm twelve!" She said happily. Sluck growled. And shoved her out the door.

"You ain't allowed to see this movie!"

Josh looked confused. "But I already SAW it." Sluck and Grimey looked at each other and then glared at Josh.

"We's Betta teach dis broad hea a lesson!" Grimey proposed.

Sluck nodded and cracked his knuckles as the two advanced towards Josh who smiled wickedly. *You idiots! With the perception point, and after watching Blade 2 this has got to be the STUPIDEST thing possible.*

Sounds of pain traveled from the theater out onto the street. And Sluck and Grimey swore revenge on the Girl who made them suffer that day.

*****************

Evan walked into a ammo shop on the main street of New York. "Excuse me sir? Do you take yen?" Evan asked the cashier.

The man grunted and pointed to a sign that read, we except all currency. A forty dollar exchange cost will apply.

Evan shrugged and tossed the man four hundred dollars in yen. "Do you have anything in the sniper category?" Evan asked.

The man nodded and motioned to the wall beside him. Evan looked the weapons over and pointed to the largest one, with a 400X scope. "I'll need that one and 4000 rounds for it. Oh, and two uzis, one auto shotgun, and a nine millimeter semi automatic with a laser range finder and a silencer. And five hundred rounds for each of these guns." The man's eyes went wide.

"Why do you need all of this hardware?" Evan shrugged.

"Just a lover of guns and hunting."

"Uzis? For hunting?" The man asked as he got together the ammo and weapons.

Evan nodded. "I'm a high tech hunter, got to have the best of everything or those damn deer will get away. They have evolved."

The man behind the counter nodded. "And how are you going to pay for all this?"

Evan hauled out his stash and tossed a wad of yen on the counter. "Cash. Any problems with cash?" The man shook his head no and looked greedily at the wad of bills.

Evan picked up the weapons and strapped them to his back and sides. "Oh yeah. DO you carry any bullet proof armor?"

The man nodded. "Deer shooting back?"

"How did you guess? Yeah, well I need full body bullet proof armor and a thick black trench coat with deep pockets and some military boots. Those deer killed my dad and I'm gonna get em back!" Evan said, pounding his hand on the counter for emphasis.

The man barely kept from laughing as he gathered the other requested items, which Evan put on over his normal clothes. He tossed another wad of yen at the man and walked out of the store looking badass with all of his guns and black clothing.

Five minutes later the man sorted through the money and noticed something was wrong. "THIS IS MONOPOLY MONEY!!!" A single shot flew through the window and impacted with the man's head.

Evan sat on the roof of a nearby building, a smoking sniper rifle in his hands. "Ah monopoly... greatest game in life... or unlife..."

*********

Josh smiled as she walked through downtown New York. "What a lovely place." She said as she skipped down the dark city. "All the shops stay open late, it's organized, crime free and the people are so friendly!"

"Gimme all you're money!" Came a voice from a nearby alley.

"DAMMIT! That's the FOURTH time in the LAST TWO BLOCKS!! Do you guys do this on purpose!?!" Josh screamed at the mugger with the huge shotgun! Josh sighed and made a move as if she was pulling out her wallet as she walked towards the grungy man. Just as she pulled out her wallet, her other hand moved forward and grabbed the shotgun crushing it into useless scrap. "Don't make me beat you up too." She said with an evil glare.

The looked scared and surprised. "YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!!" He said as he bared his vampiric teeth.

Josh shook her head. "Naw but I know how to kill them en mass." With that. Josh pulled out a silver stake from her black trench coat, via blade and stabbed the man through the heart. The man burned up and turned to ash in moments and Josh smiled. "God that movie was addicting."

Josh then walked away. She jumped to a nearby roof top and began roof hopping. Just then she saw somebody on a nearby rooftop, with a black trench coat sniping people. "Looks like somebody else liked that movie just a little too much as well." She said as she landed near the guy.

She listened in on what he was saying before speaking up.

BANG!

"Not a vampire."

BANG!

"Not a vampire."

BANG!

"Not a vampire."

BANG!

"Woo hoo that's three!"

Josh looked over the edge and notice there was over 100 people dead on the street and three piles of ash. "Three thousand nine hundred bullets to go!" The man said as he reloaded his sniper rifle.

"Evan I know this is another universe but they ARE people."

"No their not!" Evan said as he fired of another shot. "Not a vampire."

Josh sighed and sat down on the ledge knocking the rifle from his hands and to the street below.

"MY PRECIOUS!!!" Evan screamed as the gun landed.

"OUCH!!" Came a scream from below. Evan whipped out his shotgun and fired a round before Josh could do anything.. Josh knocked Evan backwards before he could do any more damage. "Not a vampire." Evan muttered.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!?!" Josh screamed in anger.

"Ridding the world... or at least New York... of all vampires but myself."

"YEAH AND EVERYTHING ELSE!!" Josh retorted.

Evan shrugged and pulled out another gun from his trench coat, shooting over the edge again.

BANG!

"Not a vampire."

"THAT WAS A DOG YOU MORON!!"

"HEY!! DOGS CAN BE VAMPIRES TOO!!! There was a movie about that in the sixties or something." Evan said.

"VAMPIRES DRINK HUMAN BLOOD!!!"

Evan pondered this for a second. "But that movie was terrible.. Magic made a vampire dogs card... but that was only decent... hmm.. There is knowledge in your words Josh chan. But I must perform my quest faithfully or my soul will never be accepted into the heavens... or some shit like that."

"Why don't we just get some burgers?"

"Good by me. I just have to grab my guns. I have to be ready for my new job." Evan said as he floated over the edge and down to the street, his shotgun already retrieved and in hand with a shell loaded.

"New job? What new job?" Josh said as she jumped down after Evan.

"Assassin for hire. God bless Deadpool and his inspiration." Evan said as he reloaded his sniper rifle and looked it finding no scratches on it he strapped it to his back. "Think they'll let me into McD's with this?"

"I've seen weirder I've already killed four vampires tonight and beaten up three muggers."

Evan waved a hand at Josh's remark and bent down beside a dead body. "That's nothing. Look at my carnage." He said spreading his arms and surveying the destruction. "Not a hole in a building... only in the head."

"Have you taken into account that more than likely 100% of them were innocent bystanders?" Josh asked with a glare.

Evan picked up the dead body he was closest to and extracted some blood. Afterwards he smiled at Josh. "Predatory instincts. Everything I don't know is my enemy. Therefore it must be food or dead. Either way it ends in dead." He said as he wiped the blood from his mouth and licked it from his fingers. "O positive, my favorite."

"Right well lets get out of here before someone tries to arrest us."

Evan pulled out his customized 9mm, clicked off the safety and cocked it in one motion. "No biggie."

**********

Later at the local burger joint, everyone in the restaurant stared nervously at the sniper rifle on Evan's back and the 9mm by his left hand as he ate a burger and fries... orgasmically.

Evan took a break from his food and picked up his 9 milli, he looked it over and turned to Josh. "So you like the artillery?'

Josh nodded, "Yeah, it's pretty cool. But killing random people is wrong Evan. Going Deadpool is one thing, but innocents? I don't know."

Evan shrugged. "They have it coming."

"Are you jealous that they're still alive or something?" Josh asked raising one eyebrow.

"SHUT UP!!! I AM NOT!!!... Ok, maybe that's a bit of it...." Evan said, looking semi ashamed.

"Stop killing people randomly or I'll kill you okay? I just watched Blade 2. Notice all the vampire killing hardware. I won't hesitate because I've killed lots of people before and they all deserved it... you keep killing randomly and YOU'LL deserve it." Josh said.

"I thought I smelt Garlic... So, you would kill your only friend and the only way you could possibly get home? Cause I doubt it. I mean, it's one thing to have it coming to you, but your friend? I know I could but that would mean I'm _damn_ hungry! Even with my vamp instincts it would be a struggle." Evan said, pocketing his gun and taking a long sip of his coke.

"True. It would take longer to get home but... ah your right I won't kill you... just beat you to near death. Over and over again of course." Josh said with a smile.

The waitress who was standing beside their table was sweating slightly. "Can I take your orders?" She asked. Josh smiled at her.

"No thanks... want to go out Friday Legs?" She asked the waitress blushed and ran away into the back room. Josh chuckled. "That'll never get old."

Evan laughed at Josh's little joke. "Ah, humor. The only thing better than killing. You know, vampire senses make dead people smell good. I never thought it possible. But about the beatings. That might be a bad idea. I mean, I am dead, so beating me half to death might actually mean beating me half to life..."

Josh shook her head. "You haven't seen Blade 2 yet have you? Breaking a vampire's neck will kill them. And they can be hurt quite badly. The ending was funny."

Evan shrugged. "Meh. I haven't seen the movie. And who says that Blade physics apply here? We'll have to find a vamp and snap some necks as a experiment. But the general idea makes sense. No feeling in lower area could make the brain think that nothing is wrong therefore nothing heals... hmm... sensical." Evan said before finishing his burger.

Josh packed the rest of her burger in her big mouth and swallowed in one big gulp. "Mmmm choking." She said before standing up and walking out the door without paying. Evan followed and they headed back to the Vampcave to hang with Joe and Alex.

Josh and Evan stopped when a voice rang up behind them screaming. "Hey you have to pay!" both Josh and Evan unsheathed a gun each and pointed it at the fat bastard of a manager.

"Start a tab!" Josh said before turning around and walking away.

Evan just stared at the man, aiming his weapon. HE squeezed off one silenced shot and turned around and started walking.

Josh frowned at evan as he walked up to where she was. "What?" Evan asked innocently. "I didn't kill him!"

"AND THAT'S ANY DAMN BETTER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU SHOT HIM IN THE BALLS!!! YOU SHOULD SHOOT HIM TO PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY!!!!" Josh screamed.

Evan motioned to where the fat man was rolling on the ground holding his testicles and moaning. "I made sure the gene pool would not be further spoiled by scum like him. Besides I have a one bullet per person rule. Can't break rules can I?"

Josh didn't speak she just punched the black haired devil into a wall... smashing it. "You are grounded until the next slide Evan!" she said sternly.

Evan looked downtrodden. "If I kill him, can I be ungrounded?"

Josh shook her head. She then walked over to Evan, grabbed him and dragged him towards the church that they and Ekimus' crew were holding up at.

******************

Author's notes: {We're evil... oh yeah!}

(Wow... that was inspiring Morden. I feel like a new man. Anywho... we are evil... oh yeah...)

Well anyway, we're all going comics and Cartoons and anime sliders n shit... that's cool. In this universe I'm a serial killer/thief/burglar/international villain/ kidnaper/ every other bad thing. But the real me is still just spider man. In the next chapter we'll beat up vampires and leave this universe. We feel like going to a new one soon. We been here too long. Join us next time for the Spiritual Misadventures of Sluck and Grimey! I mean... Self Insertion.}

(Yeah, so stuff.)

Morden Night: anime_morden@crystal-tokyo.com

Agasaki Ishano: Agasaki@crystal-tokyo.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

http://anime_rpg1.tripod.com

Bye