Self Insertion

Chapter 25

Silence is golden

Evan sat on the bed at the hotel by herself. She was currently working on the timer using some high tech gadgetry. She smiled as she fitted together the last parts of the handheld dimensional gateway opener. She smiled as it snapped together and she turned it on. "Ha HA!! I did it!" She yelled as she stood from the bed and held the timer up.

Josh sighed from her seat by a nearby desk. "You didn't turn it into an trans-mutagenic displacement field did you?" She asked.

Evan shook her head and walked over to show her best friend what is was she had done. "Uh uh. I gave up on that a long time ago. Check it out. I fixed the timer." She said with a smile.

Josh smiled, as did Kasumi and JD. "All RIGHT!!! When do we leave?"

Evan held up a finger. "Just a sec. I gotta wait for it to settle on a time." A few seconds later Evan's smiled faded. "Ah crap."

Josh rolled her eyes. "Oh maaan What's the time?"

Evan turned the timer around. It read: 1:00:00:00:00. "We're here for an entire year." Just then the timer gave one more blip and everyone groaned.

"OH SON OF A BITCH!!! I hate you Evan" JD said.

"What are we gonna do!?" Kasumi asked. "We're out of money! This is the last day we can stay at the hotel!"

"We're broke!?!?" Josh asked. "Oh that's just great. We're stuck in a world of violent Lesbians for two entire years!"

"Wait a second... is there such thing as a nice lesbian?" Evan asked.

"Apparently not they shoot males on SIGHT!!!" JD screamed in frustration.

Evan smiled. "How about we go on a drunken killing spree and take over the world or something?" She asked, looking at Josh.

"No."

"NO!?!?!"

"We gotta stop all this killing!" Josh said. "It's getting out of hand. Every universe we go to we kill tons of people. Evan these are real people!"

"No they aren't. They're lesbians. Lesbians aren't real... lesbians, that is craziness!!"

"WAKE UP EVAN!!!" Josh screamed. "I don't care what you think. I'm not letting you or JD, or even Kasumi kill any more people. If we want to survive this we have to stay at least a little bit obscure!"

"Easy for you to say." Evan started while crossing her arms. "You still have all of your powers. All I've got is magic now."

"So, magic is a great power." Kasumi stated attempting to make Evan feel better.

"No its not. I only have the ability bend the universe and time and stuff." Evan said, getting slightly teary eyed.

"Shut up Evan." Josh said, turning away from him. "All JD's got is wings and a curse that makes him useless."

"So... I could have wings and a useless curse..." Evan whimpered.

"Once again, shut up Evan." Josh said.

Evan hung her head. "Ahh... Its O.K. Gotoro, he doesn't mean it."

Josh shook her head and walked away.

JD shrugged and followed Josh. Josh came back a moment later with a newspaper. And threw it down on the table. "One of us four has got to get a job. JD can't get one, he's 100% male and there's a huge chance that he'll get caught... again." Josh then pointed to herself. "I can't get one cause if any hot water touches me I'm busted, then I'd have to kill thousands and thousands of people before actually getting away."

"I vote Josh." Evan said putting her hand up.

Josh then looked at Evan, as did Kasumi and JD. Evan looked around nervously and then motioned towards Kasumi. "What about her. She's a girl... and... they'd never... suspe... uhhhh... why are you all looking at me like that?"

"Kasumi's mutant power's been acting up lately. Any heightened emotions she has makes her power go off. If any body see's that she'd probably get experimented on like JD." Josh said.

JD put up a finger to cut in. "Actually I've been feeling kind of weird since..."

"Shut UP! I'm talking... Wait where was I? Oh yeah... Evan you have to get a job. You're the only one here who's fully female." Josh finished.

"Ohhhh no. I ain't getting a job!" Evan stated. Backing up and shaking his hands frantically. "I'm a lover not a fighter."

"Well that's good." JD said with a smile. "Cause you wouldn't be fighting... you'd be working."

Evan gave JD the finger. "A fuck you hippie. I'm not working man."

"You're not a man." Josh offered.

"AAAAH EVERYONE'S AGAINST ME!!!"

"No just us." Kasumi said.

"Don't make me bust out the nun-chucks." Evan threatened.

"Well, we were thinking about getting you a desk job in the technical section of some major corporation which you would be paid massive amounts of money for." Josh said, lying profusely.

"Desk job?" Evan asked, actually believing Josh. "Hmm... that might work... getting money for nothing is great."

Kasumi nodded, trying to back up Josh's lie. "Yeah, we thought since none of us would be able to do something due to our own plights we should get you a nice job."

JD stayed quiet, having no idea what everyone else was talking about as he was not included in any job search. "Yeah... sure." He added.

Evan eyed JD and smiled. "I suppose I could do this... It would give me some time to create a replica of the T-virus, which I will use to infect all of you if you are lying."

JD backed up and decided not to add any commentary. Josh stepped forward. "Anyway, that's settled, we'll get you that job tomorrow."

Evan shrugged and stuck out her finger and drew a circle in the air, creating a ripple in reality. "I'm going to learn some more multi-verse magic. See you later." She said before stepping into the circle, disappearing.

***********

Evan stepped into a plain white room which she recognized as her pocket universe. *Hmm... I need some books.* she thought as she summoned a table and Sarumon's entire library and sat down to start to read, absorbing the knowledge like a veritable sponge. "This is some good shit." She thought out loud finishing the first book of minor clerical magics. "But I am gonna need more than this." She smiled and summoned a few scrolls and texts from the Slayer's universe and resumed reading.

*********

"Where the hell did Evan go?" JD asked, not understanding anything that had just happened.

"Do wings make you stupid?" Josh pondered. "She went off into some alternate reality that she has created due to her vast and soon to be vaster magical powers. I think she is envious of our more physical powers."

"But couldn't she just give herself what ever power she wanted?" JD asked.

Josh shrugged. "I suppose she could. But I think that would kill the challenge for her."

JD shrugged. "Whatever."

**********

Back in Evan's pocket universe. "Bitch!" She screamed at the five year old jusenkyo cursed form of the lesbian secretary. "Make me some food!"

Evan summoned a stove and a fridge that contained its own pocket universe containing any desired food item. The five year old got to work and Evan smiled, summoning normal hot water and splashing the boy. When he was turned to a she Evan looked her over. "Not too bad." Evan smiled evilly. "Who is your master?" She asked.

The girl didn't stop working and replied plainly. "You are mistress."

Evan smiled more evilly. *I guess that time with the demon trainer taught her some respect... I do hope her scars are healed.* Evan kicked up her feet onto the table and set down the last of Sarumon's books and set them on fire with a small spell. *Everything is absorbed. Onto Slayers.* The servant girl then set down a tender boneless chicken breast that had been marinated with lemon juice and Italian dressing as well as a glass of red wine. *Hmm, seems that, that Gotoro fellow isn't plaguing my mind while I'm here. Must be a universal thing.* Evan thought as she thought about her obsession with a mental demon that had entered her mind when she had gotten to this universe. *Glad I didn't tell the guys. Cause a minor possession by some mental demon would make them all worried and stuff.* "Slave girl?" Evan began lightly, pushing the Gotoro subject from her mind. "What is your name?"

"It is not fitting that you should call me it, but it is Catra." The Slave answered.

"Interesting. But what does that have to with anything? Hmm?"

Catra shrugged. "I don't know mistress."

"Of course you don't." Evan chided. "But the answer is absolutely nothing."

"Yes mistress." Catra responded.

**********

Evan returned from her pocket universe about an hour later and smiled as she reappeared in the lesbian infested city of New New York. She looked over to Josh. "Now then... where's my cushy job?"

**********

"Hello welcome to The Fiery Crotch let me show you to your table." Evan said as she met the lesbian couple at the door of the restaurant she was currently employed at. *I'm gonna kill you Josh.* She thought darkly. *And I know just how to punish you too.* She thought even more darkly with a very evil smile. She shocked out of her revery by a slap and a hard pinch on her ass, which was very, very, VERY exposed in her slutty maid outfit, which was the theme of the restaurant.

"Hey cutey." One of the girls stated.

"How bout a lap dance!?" The other one asked.

Evan mock laughed at them and frowned. "How about NO!!! You fucking whore!!"

Just then the boss came out of the back. "HEY!! Sabrina! Don't mess around with my business! Lap dances are free and you're NOT allowed to refuse one!"

Evan muttered a very real curse on the boss's entire gene line and walked up to the customer. "Look bitch. I will give you a lap dance if you don't pinch my ass. Deal?" Evan then got slightly teary. "It hurts."

The two customers laughed out loud. "How about you give me a lap dance and then I pinch your ass?"

Evan frowned and pointed her index finger at the customers about to cast a Giga Slave when she remembered what she was doing this for. *Bastards.* She thought as she cast a stone skin spell on her heiny.

**********

Later that day Evan barged into the hotel room, ripping off her uniform and walking into her pocket dimension completely naked, much to the surprise of her slave girl Catra. "Mistress, do you require clothing?" She asked, unbuttoning her blouse half way down.

"I'm ok. Just give me a massage." Catra nodded and summoned a massage table.

"You've been learning the spells I left you?" Catra nodded again. "Excellent. You are a magnificent servant."

Catra blushed slightly and summoned massage oils and other items to relax her mistress. "I live to serve you mistress."

Evan smiled as Catra began reveling in the beauty of her own universe and the escape from insane lesbians as well as the quietly nagging Gotoro. She summoned a book of spells from the Dungeons and Dragons universe a flipped through it, relaxing in the perfection she had managed to create. *Of course the real world offers targets for my increasing powers, so I cannot rag on it just yet.*

Catra smiled, glad she was pleasing her master. *She's nicer than that fucking demon thing that was in here earlier. He kicked my ass till I swore that I would serve the next occupant of this room. Man, what the hell was that about anyway?*

Evan yawned and allowed her whole body to loosen up as she finished the book. *Only a few more books and I will be fucking unstoppable.* She thought with next to no emotion as though the thought of ultimate power was nothing to her. *I wonder what Blink is doing?* She thought, again not truly caring but just giving herself options of things to think about. *And Akane Jr must be like 6 or so by now. I really should head back to Ranma and check that out.* Evan motioned for Catra to stop and smiled. "Thank you, it was refreshing."

Catra bowed lightly and Evan disappeared.

*********

Evan appeared in the middle of the Tendo dojo. "Ah, the good old days." She thought out loud walking out of the dojo and into the house. Blink, Akane and Akane Jr sat on the living room floor, playing with some barbies. Evan smiled and cast a true form spell on herself, turning herself back into the male version of Evan full with adumantium skeleton and claws to match. "Hey Blink." He said with a smile. "What's up?" Blink spun around and almost began to cry.

"EVAN!!" She yelled as she lunged up and clasped herself around him, giving him the bearhugging of a life time.

"Nice to... see... you..." He forced out, gasping for breath. Blink eased up, sensing her betrothed's pain.

"Where have you been?" She asked, Akane Jr getting up and walking up to Blinks side, latching on to her leg. "Akane's been growing up since you left."

Evan nodded and let go of his fiancé and crouching down to get a good look at his daughter. "Hey sunshine." He said with a smile.

"Mommy, who is this man?" Akane asked in a tiny voice.

The true Akane walked up beside Evan and actually smiled. "This man is your daddy." She said, aiming her smile at Evan. "Thanks for naming such a beautiful young girl after me Evan. It is the nicest thing you've done since you gave us that arcade."

Evan smiled back, remembering the good old days when he walked into the Tendo house with no pants and a hangover. "How is the arcade doing anyway?"

Akane smiled. "We are now one of the richest families in the district. Nabiki got a hold of it and made some modifications though. So everything might not be as you remember it if you decide to visit it."

Evan nodded and turned back to his little girl. "I'm sorry I missed so many birthdays. But I intend to make up for them in the little time I have here."

"How much time do you have Evan?" Blink asked.

"About an hour. I have to help out Josh and them. Oh and Akane. Kasumi's doing fine." Evan said, noting Akane's stress when he mentioned the others.

Akane breathed a sigh of relief and smiled again. "So what are we doing for all those missed birthdays?"

Evan smiled and looked at Akane Jr. "What ever you want to do sunshine."

*********

An hour of birthdays and catching up later, Evan returned to her pocket universe and shed her male form, becoming the Elf again and sitting down on a chair that she had freshly summoned. *It was nice to catch up.* She thought as she mentally marked the date of her child's birthday, also marking down the fact that she would visit every single birthday and as many times as she could from then on. *I suppose the lesbian world awaits.* Evan thought as she reappeared on her hotel bed, Josh, JD and Kasumi just sitting around, attempting to pass the time with a few games of cards, all of which Josh seemed to have won, judging by the nudity of the other two room inhabitants. "Cut me in." Evan said, summoning another chair and telekinetically moving it up to the hotel table.

Josh did so with a smile. "How was work."

"Not to bad considering what I did after work." Evan said with a smile.

"Some more pocket universe escapades?" Kasumi asked, signifying her last shoe as the item on the line.

Evan shrugged. "For a bit, then I visited Blink and Akane Jr."

Josh stopped dealing, thinking of a way to get back on his wife's good side. "How are Morden and Lilith?"

Evan shrugged again. "I dunno. I didn't see them. You know, you guys are bad parents."

Josh frowned, as did Kasumi.

JD pointed to his pillow as his offered bid.

Evan tossed a baby monitor on the table as his item of bidding. Through the monitor was heard the talking of two children, which Kasumi recognized as her own. "Momo? Lili?"

"Mommy?" Came a reply in unison from the monitor. Evan smiled.

"Ain't family great?"

********************

2 weeks later as Evan was at work and Kasumi was out Grocery shopping Josh and JD were walking down the street chatting. JD was currently wearing his Image induced form.

"Hey Babe NICE ASS!" A women in a thong said as she walked by JD.

"Really?" JD asked "Thanks, I like to work out, You got some nice T&A goin on yourself. Wanna go to the beach?" JD asked the woman.

Josh smacked JD on the arm. "Shut up you idiot!" She then forced her male best friend to continue walking. "Dude you're wearing an image inducer. If you did anything sexual everybodied find out and you'd be back in a lab!" She whispered sternly.

"Josh, this is weak, ever since I found you guys I haven't gotten even a kiss! Sometimes I wanna die!" JD said with a saddened look on her...his.....JD's face.

Josh frowned and put an arm around him. "Hey man... Maybe in the next universe."

JD smiled. "In the next universe we can hook up and do the naughty naughty??"

"Are you talking about me and you? Cause that's wrong... I'm married." Josh and JD walked for a bit and then Josh continued. "You're cool, you'll be able to get some... hell me and Evan did and we're complete jerk offs."

JD smiled and nodded. "Yeah! You're right. If you guys can get mutant chicks I can get anyone! Oh and sorry about the sex comment, It's unbelievable how horny one man can get after a year of no women."

Josh nodded and was about to say another comforting comment to his best friend when they were both grabbed from behind and pulled into an alley. Josh's Spider sense warned her but it wasn't big enough of a threat for her to care too much. When they were thrown into a wall moments later Josh grabbed her attacker's hand and put him on the ground. "OW SHIT LET GO BITCH!!!" The man screamed.

Josh was startled to realize that her attacker was actually a man. "Y...You're a man?" She wondered.

The guy stood up and brushed himself off, holding his knife up in a threatening manner again. "Yeah!! Well You chicks are coming with us!" He said threateningly.

"WAIT!!" JD said putting his hands up in fear. "We're women... I mean MEN too!!"

The man with the knife moved closer with the knife. "Yeah I fell for that one before! Not this time ladies!" Out of fear for his life JD clicked off the image inducer like the pussy he was. This freaked the crap out of the guy with the knife and his partner, who never talked. "WOAH!! HOLY SHIT!!!"

Josh then sighed and pulled out a thermos with hot water in it and splashed herself turning herself into her real form. "Yeah we're men. What are you two doing inside the city? How'd you get in?"

"I could ask you the same thing Kid Chameleon. How'd you turn into a fuckin chick!?" The guy said. Josh didn't answer the man and he continued on, apparently in love with the sound of his own voice. "We're from the Male, Action, Resistance, Society, we're spies!"

"M.A.R.S.?" JD said.

"Spies?" Josh added.

"Yeah!" The man said. "generally our job is to infiltrate the city and capture a woman or two for procreation reasons. Once the women we capture have served their purpose we kill them."

Josh looked confused. "What about cloning?"

"Fuck That!!" The man with the knife said as he put his knife away. "We don't have the technology they do! We have to keep our numbers up the good old fashioned way!"

"Oh." JD and Josh stated together.

JD looked over at the man who hadn't said anything since they met up with the duo. "What's wrong with your friend? Why doesn't he talk?"

"That's Silent Bob!" He said, putting an arm around his silent compatriot. "He's the best spy in M.A.R.S. Me and him both graduated at the top of our class. Silent Bob was number one cause he never talks. Though Oral tests were a bitch."

"So you are...." Josh started motioning to the loud mouthed Male rebel.

The man held out a hand towards Josh. "Name's Jay! So what the fuck are you two doing in the middle of New New York?"

Josh and JD looked at each other nervously. "Well... That is..." Josh started.

"We're stuck here for two years." JD said. "We're living in the city until we can leave."

"Yeah." Josh offered. "Our friend is working so we can live halfway comfortable."

"What's you're friend's name? Does he turn into a chick for camo too?" He asked.

Josh looked away a bit. "Actually he's a she... through and through."

"You have chick friends!?!?!?" Jay said amazed. "Shit that's awesome... Now we've got inside contacts!!" Jay then pulled out a small radio reciever and held it out towards JD. "Here, you guys keep hanging out on the inside track... we're gonna finish our mission and head back to base to relay the good news. If you find any good information that we could use in our fight against Male oppression you just radio it in to me."

Josh and JD looked down at the Radio for a moment and then looked back up to Jay and Silent Bob. "Ho do..." Josh and JD looked around the silent alley and noticed that the two men were now gone.

"Crazy." JD stated.

Josh nodded his silent approval. "They actually are good spies."

******************

Evan stood in the middle of the Fiery Crotch frowning as she seated another pair of lesbians. *Man, being surounded by lesbos was good for like ten minutes. Now it is my hell. I shall surely perish here... unless I vanquish all of them... but then I won't get money... but I won't need money... but then Josh JD and Kasumi would get mad at Gotoro and me... but Gotoro would love the destruction... Gotoro loves burning... Evan loves burning... burning is good... burn... hehehe.* Evan's subconscious laugh spilled out into the real world, unnerving nearby customers and earning her a glare from her boss. Evan stifled her laugh and continued on with her job pondering a way to kill them all and get away with it.

**************

Later that day Evan, JD, Josh, and Kasumi sat around the hotel table reluctantly engaging in a game of poker, which Josh was winning. Evan had accepted the incredible losses a long time ago and was playing shittly just to get the game done with. JD hadn't figured it out yet and every time he lost he screamed and ranted until his face was red. Kasumi was basically stripping for no reason. Josh started up the conversation. "So, we met up with Jay and Silent Bob today... eh."

Evan shrugged. "That's nice. What are they doing here?"

Josh smiled as he set down a full house, beating everyone else's hands by far. "They are spies eh."

"Oh... why are you saying eh?... eh?" Evan asked, deciding to cheat next round.

"I really don't know... but they gave us a radio thing... don't cheat Evan." Josh said as he dealt out the next round.

Evan ignored him and made it so she mysteriously had five aces. "Cool. We should give em a call."

Josh set down his hand, four aces and a joker. Evan lit her cards on fire and smiled. "Good work on that one... eh."

"Yeah well... I'll call em after the game. How much money did you make today... it is your payday is it not?"

"Yeah... I got like fourty bucks... which is a bunch here... they don't have inflation... so... I dunno. I'll put it up for the next round cause it all goes to the same place anyway... my drinking needs." Evan said smiling and slapping the check on the table.

*************

One Month later. Josh smiled as she walked into the Fiery Crotch, in the entire one month and two weeks that they had been living on this worlds she hadn't been to the place once. She chuckled at the title of the restaurant. "What a stupid name!" Josh walked inside and was greeted by Evan who looked so incredibly pissed off Josh could have sworn she was about to start slaughtering all the women in the world.

That and she was muttering: "I'm gonna kill every woman in the world!" Over and over again like a mantra.

Josh smiled as she waved to Evan. "Hey man how's work?"

At the mention of the word 'man' the restaurant went silent and all the Lesbians turned suspiciously towards Josh. She didn't noticed and pulled out a wad of cash, waving it in front of Evan's face. "I'll have a window seat, the crab and tuna special, and three lap dances."

Evan smiled at Josh's mention of Crab and tuna. "I'll seat you miss, but that area is not my section... thank god... You'll be served by the one they call... STD MAN WOMAN!!!" Evan then started rolling on the floor laughing. "Actually I'm lying. That is my section... but I could become STD MAN WOMAN!!!!... or I'll just get you your food... and posion it.... as well as ... something else... and some more bad stuff... with a cheeriy smile on top... man I'm tired."

Josh frowned. "Fine. I'll just go eat at the Infested Clitoris." Josh then paused. "They got some fucked up names in this city."

"If you want a good Crab and tuna special, go to the Crabby Gash. I hear its the shit."

Josh shrugged and left the place. Moments after the boss that Evan worked for came up behind the elven girl, strange how nobody had noticed the pointy ears yet. "HEY! Sabrina! That's the third customer that you've driven away today! You're fired!!! Why don't you go work at some place like The Raging Hepetitus, or the Broken Hymen! I've been like a mother to you and you throw it in my face."

Evan smiled and then cast a quick spell. "Yeah, well now you're infested with Aids."

The boss looked frightened. "What? Nobody has had AIDs since we got rid of the men..."

Evan's smile grew. "We can't have an outbreak can we? Oh no I'ma gonna have to kill you... and everyone here... Oh no...." Evan walked away and as she left, the building imploded, leaving only charred remains and Crabs, lots of Crabs. " I knew the Crab implosion spell would come in handy some time in this universe... nobody likes crabs."

*************

In the Ranma universe Akane Sneezed. "Someone must be talking about me." She then went back into her fantasy... "aaaah crabs."

*************

author's notes: {We are sadistic bastards. We have turned SI into an abomination of Fanfiction... though it has kind of taken a turn to the original. Well I still like it... anyway... here's Evan.}

(Wow, that was short... anywho... we are moderately evil... with a big side of sadism... and CRABS!!!... but honestly. Who likes crabs?)

{Akane}

(Ok... so maybe Akane likes crabs... maybe Akane has crabs... I! AM NOT!! A PEDIFILE!!! I had to say that... Mad Tv rules! Yeah... I am emporer Evan, and the Gladiators must fight to pleaseeesseeessseee me! Who ever wins will be my bitch!)

And now for a Self Insertion Omake (I basically ripped this off from Mad TV and changed the names.)

Josh walked into Evan's office one day with a portfolio of his artwork.

"Here take a look at this one." He said opening the folder and handing evan a drawing which was an ink blot. "I work with inkblots and generally they are very random, but mine are very specific."

"So what do you call this one?" Evan asked. "This is a twisted graphic depiction of pedophelia."

"Wow! You actually see pedophlia?"

"Well of course. Looky here! There's a sexy smooth young boy, and that's a corrupt old pervert trying to seduce him!"

"Here" Josh said. "Take a look at this one."

"Now what do you call this one?"

Josh smiled and sat back in his chair in the office. "I call that one settling sunset."

"Oh Really!?" Evan said darkly. "I was thinking that it would be called Naked boys! Or naked boy succumbs!"

Josh held up his index finger. "That's what you see senator! What I see is a calm and cool horizon!"

"Don't hand me that artsy fartsy psycho babble! This painting is full of sexy young covortent young boys!"

Josh frowned. "You see what you want to see senator."

"And why would I want to see naked boys!?!?"

Josh rolled his eyes and looked away. "Huh." Hu muttered under his breath. "You tell me."

Evan then put the blot down and picked up the next one. "Oh now that's just SICK!!!"

Josh growled. "That one's called puppies, puppies, and more puppies!"

Evan glared at the artist. "Well why don't you call it what it is!?! Naked boys, naked boys, and MORE SWEATY DELICIOUS BEAUTIFUL NAKED BOYS!!!!"

"Calm down senator." Josh said as he reached for his portfolio. "I also happen to be a classically trained artist, maybe you'll be able to appreciate this one more." With that Josh handed Evan another painting.

Evan looked it over carefully. "Oh my GAWD!!! What do you call this one!?!? NAKED BOY PARADE!?!?!?!"

Josh turned the painting around and glared at the senator. "Senator it's a landscape!! Where do you see naked boys!?!"

"WHERE DON'T I SEE NAKED BOYS!!" Evan then pointed at a tree in the painting. "There behind the tree's a naked boy! In fact the whole tree's a naked boy!! If I didn't know any beter I'd say the entire painting's one giant NAKED BOY!!!!"

"Senator please calm down!"

"I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!!!!!!!!!"

******************

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