Self Insertion

Chapter 27

In the heat of the night

JD shook his head again as he entered the Tendo dojo. "God my neck feels like crap!" He complained. A moment later he got hit in the face with a dumbbell. He flew backwards and landed on his back. "Ow." He muttered, noting the stinging sensation on his face.

"You got him pretty good Akane." Nabiki stated nonchalantly.

"What the hell is that thing!?!" Akane screamed as she prepared another dumbbell for the tossing. Josh suddenly came up behind the girl and grabbed the makeshift weapon from the girls hands.

"Hold up there princess." He stated. "That’s JD. He kind of went through a bit of a transformation in the last universe that we were in."

JD lifted himself off of the floor. "Yeah. What’s up with that anyway? What could have possibly made me like this?" He wondered.

Josh looked thoughtful as the sounds of Evan and Blinks lovemaking drifted from upstairs. "Weeell." Josh started. "Those lesbians were experimenting on you for a bit... and they were very technologically and scientifically advanced." He said.

"So you think those sex fiends did this to him?" Kasumi asked.

Josh just nodded. "They were probably trying to find a way to change men into women."

"That explains the vagina on my neck. What about the stone skin?" JD asked.

"You have a vagina on your NECK!?!" Akane asked shocked.

Josh ignored the chick. "Maybe they were trying to find a new biological chemical weapon to use against men. Perhaps they were trying to turn them into mindless gargoyles as slaves."

"Comforting." JD stated sarcastically.

"The vagina doesn’t look too bad." Akane started. Everyone continued to ignore her.

"Yeah they probably got it backwards, thus why you turned into stone during the night instead of the day." Evan said as he came downstairs with his clothes on backwards.

"I thought you were a chick for good." Josh asked, turning to meet his best friend.

Evan shrugged. "It’s a very temporary spell that I discovered in Lord of the Rings." Just then Evan turned back into a chick. "Yep there it goes."

Josh nodded. "Ah well there’s not a whole lot any of us can do about your situation JD." he said with a shrug.

"I probably could." Evan added in.

"Well fix me!" JD said with a growl.

Evan frowned. "Nah! This is more humorous. Besides... a vagina on your neck! Not evan I could have come up with something that beautifully evil!!"

"I think it’s cute." Akane added in.

The room went silent for a few seconds and then Evan just slapped her.

Josh suddenly instant transmissioned out of the presence of his friends and came back a moment later with a glass of water. He then splashed JD who turned into a five year old version of himself. He was evan all gargoyle-esque still. "Ah ha! So you do still have your curse!"

Just then Ranma entered the room. "Another curse?... Ah ferget it me and Ryoga are going out for some beers." He then left to go find Ryoga.

Evan smiled. "Ah I’ve taught them well in the ways of alcohol."

Akane leaned down and took little five year old JD into her arms. "Aww! He’s so cute!" She then poked the vagina on his neck. "Ooooh it’s so soft!" Josh then yanked the child from Akane’s hands and held it away.

"PUT ME DOWN DAMN IT!!" JD screamed as he thrashed around in the spider powered saiyans grip.

"I don’t want you going near my children." He said to the tomboy chick... Akane.

Akane sighed. "Darn!"

Josh turned to Evan. "Tell Blink that she’s Morden and Liliths Godmother and to keep her away from my children."

Evan smiled. "Alright!! That’s good news!" Evan then cast True form on herself turning her back into normal Evan. "That means SEX for EVAN!!" He then skipped up the stairs.

Josh shrugged. "Whatever." he then smiled and turned to Kasumi. "We should go see them."

Kasumi nodded. "Yeah. They’re growing up so quick and their so cute!"

Josh nodded. "Yeah they’ll have very interesting lives. Though I worry for Morden... having pink skin could ruin a man. Lilith’s green skin won’t be too much of a problem... but pink!"

Kasumi nodded. "Poor Mo-mo."

*****************

the next week.

"BLEEEAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!"

Josh looked disgusted. As JD barfed... again... for the eighth time that morning. "Man you really must be sick!! I haven’t seen you slaughter Pokemon all day today and yesterday! Evan’s doing all the work for you."

"I don’t know what it is." JD moaned pitifully. "This happened after we got out of Ranma-verse! This couldn’t be from slaughtering cute lil fluffy things."

"That’s true." Josh said as he pulled out a bottle of saki from the mini bar in the hotel that they were currently staying at.

"When’s Kasumi gonna be back with that stomach medicine?" JD muttered weakly as he looked up from the toilet for a brief moment.

"It should be a little while longer. She’s also picking up Groceries." The Jusenkyo cursed, martial artist, Spider powered, Saiyan replied.

JD groaned. "Why don’t you just teleport over to the drug store and get it?"

"Cause I’m having a drink!" Josh stated. JD groaned. "Maybe we should go back to Ranma-verse and see Dr. Tofu."

"YES!! I’ve been puking my guts out fr, urp, oh god, here it goes agai-BLEAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!"

"Ew."

****************

Evan frowned as he Josh, Kasumi, and the sick JD stepped through the temporary portal to the Ranma ½ universe. "What’s the rush!! Just give him some damn advil or something!"

Josh frowned at his friend. "We tried that already it’s only very temporary."

Evan continued to mope. "Yeah well why couldn’t we have stayed in Pokemon and seen a doctor there? It’d save me the energy."

Josh looked at Evan as though he was the biggest idiot in the world... "Have you not noticed the way JD looks currently? He’d scare the crap out of most normal doctors. There’s only one doctor that’s this used to weird stuff happening."

Kasumi smiled. "You’re talking about Tofu sensei aren’t you?"

Josh nodded. "If anyone would know what to do it would be Tofu... though I hadn’t seen him in a long time... if ever."

Josh just smiled and they all continued on to Tofu’s clinic.

*****************

Josh smiled as he entered the clinic. "HEY!! Is the doctor in?"He called. JD picked up a nearby trash can and hurled in it. Josh then sat down in the waiting room. "I guess we’ll just wait here." he offered, Kasumi sat down next to him and Evan passed out on the floor for some reason.

Kasumi smiled happily as she leaned on Josh and he put an arm around her. "Evan sure is strange." Kasumi said.

Josh chuckled and deftly moved his head out of the way of the shuriken that his spider sense warned him of. "Strange doesn’t even begin to describe that nut case." Josh then noticed the shuriken that was imbedded in the wall between him and Kasumi. "Hey!" Josh then looked over in surprise at the origin of the small throwing weapon.

"T... T... TOFU!?!" Kasumi gasped in shock.

Tofu’s aura was flaring as he stood in the doorway of the clinic, his glasses glowing a deep red. "At last!" He started. "At last you’ve shown your face coward!! I’ve waited long to confront you! NOW PREPARE TO DIE!!"

Josh looked around. "Um... are you talking to me?"

Tofu was jostled a bit at the question. "Wha!? OF COURSE I’M TALKING TO YOU!!" Tears then began to stream down his face. "You stole the only thing that had ever mattered to me! You stole MY ONE TRUE LOVE!!"

Kasumi then pointed to herself. "Are you talking about me Doctor?"

Tofu nodded. "I’ve loved you as long as I can remember Kasumi! You’re all that I’ve ever cared about! But I could never bring myself to tell you!!"

Josh shrugged. "All’s fair in love and war Tofu. I’m in love with Kasumi as well. The difference is between us is that I had the guts to tell her! Don’t act so childish!"

Tofu’s aura flared to even greater lengths. "I’m not just a gentle doctor ‘JOSH’!! I also happen to be a practitioner of several styles of martial arts, and deadly shiatsu techniques!"

"Please go easy on him sweety. It wouldn’t be a good idea to kill a doctor." Kasumi said to Josh.

Josh nodded. "Okay dear. I’ll just restrain him and force him to help out JD." Josh then looked over to JD. "I’ll make it quick... the trash can is overflowing." Josh then stood up and jumped to the ceiling.

Tofu didn’t even question the strange ability to stick to the roof, instead he sent several shuriken hurling towards him with deadly speed and accuracy. "DIE!!"

Josh frowned as he jumped out of the way and onto one of the walls. Tofu continued to press his attack, changing his tactic to that of acupuncture needles. Josh easily jumped out of the way and continued to evade the man’s every attack. "Why don’t you FIGHT BACK!?!?" Tofu screamed as Kasumi sat by watching pleasantly.

Josh shrugged as he dodged everything that the man could throw at him. Josh smiled once the Martial artist doctor went back and began repeating his moves. *Time for close quarters!* He thought in his mind, while moving closer to the doctor, using a very low level of martial arts skill on the man, but staying just a little bit more on the upper hand, yet keeping on the offensive.

Once the doctor had used his every move and began repeating everything he’d used before in different combinations, Josh moved in and flicked the man in the nose, sending him flying through a wall. "Josh smiled. I like your fighting style Tofu... it may come in handy some time."

Tofu regained consciousness. And Kasumi walked over to her former crush and helped him up. "Can you calm down now please Tofu? I need your help with a friend."

Tofu hung his head. "Anything for you Kasumi." he said, not being able to resist a request from the woman he loved.

Kasumi smiled. "Our friend here... the gargoyle... with the feathery wings... has been throwing up every morning non-stop... we don’t know what to do about it."

Tofu looked confused and leaned over to look past Kasumi to see the stony gargoyle throwing up something that looked like... a cat. "That is the strangest thing I have ever seen."He muttered. "This could be interesting."

*****************

Josh, Kasumi, and a passed out Evan sat in the waiting room for about two hours when Tofu came out with a clipboard. "What seems to be the problem?" Kasumi asked.

Tofu looked incredibly confused as he looked over the results of the blood test he had just performed on the gargoyle. "Well... I did a few tests and I got some very... VERY strange results."

"Okay and?" Josh asked.

Tofu glared at Josh. "Normally I’d be finding this kind of result on a female."

Josh rolled his eyes. "We already know about the vagina."

"He’s pregnant." Tofu finished.

The room fell very silent just then, you could hear a cricket from a mile away. "Normally I’d break out laughing." Evan stated.

Josh jumped a bit. "AAAH!!! When the HELL did you wake up!??!"

Evan smiled, "Just now. As I was saying, normally I’d bust out laughing, but this... this is just sick!"

Josh frowned. "Wait a minute... if JD’s pregnant..."

"He would have had to have sex with..." Evan followed up on.

"Another..." Kasumi continued.

The waiting room trio then all pitched in together. "MAN!!!"

Just then JD came out of the examination room. "So guys... did Tofu tell you anything about what’s wrong with me?" JD suddenly became pale at the many evil glares the befell him.

"Is something wrong? Guys? Stop looking at me like that." JD whimpered in fear.

Josh walked forward and noticed a large lump on the back of JD’s neck. "Hey when did this thing get here?" he asked as he touched the strange lump. Josh then jumped back as though he’d just put his hand in white fire. "AAAH!!! THAT’S NASTY!!! IT KICKED ME!!! IT KICKED ME!!! GROSSGROSSGROOOOOSS!!!!!!!!!"

"That would be the baby." Tofu said, "It’s a girl."

JD then freaked out.

***************

Josh frowned as he looked over the Tendo dojo which was filled with, virtually, the entire Ranma ½ cast. Tofu was going around taking small vials of blood from all the males.

Josh frowned as he looked around at the men. "Okay! Now, JD here is pregnant... he became pregnant about a week ago while he was in a rock like state, thus he had no willing participation in the sexual confrontation."

JD just then came to a frightening realization. "Oh GOD!! I’ve been RAPED!"

Evan chuckled. "Heh, that rhymed."

Josh smiled and continued. "We’re just trying to figure out who the... father is."

About five minutes later after Tofu came out of his portable lab with a result sheet of the DNA tests. He then gave it to Josh while glaring at him. "I’m done."

Josh smiled. "Thanks toe poo." Josh then held up the list and smiled. "Okay... Shampoo, and all the other girls are not the father. You can go."

Ukyo frowned. "I would have thought that was obvious!"

All of the girls left except for Kodachi. Josh smiled. "Okay, Kodachi, Ryoga, Happosai, Ranma, Mr. Tendo, Mr. Saotome, Evan, JD, me, Mousse, Pantyhose, Adam West, and Ryunosuke are all not the father." Everyone moved out of the way and the only person left was...

Kuno.

Josh smiled. "The father Of JD’s baby girl is... Upper class man Tatewaki Kuno, otherwise known as the Blue Thunder of Furinkan high... CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

Kuno looked confused. "There appears to be a gargoyle standing beside you."

JD then leapt forward towards kuno with his claws aiming for his boys. "DIE!!!!!!!!"

Kuno was too slow, JD ripped out his balls then his jugular vein.

JD walked to Josh and wiped his bloody claws on Josh. "Hmmm.... Should have kept him alive, I could have gotten some child support from the bastard."

JD walked back over to Kuno and reached into his pocket and pulled $400,000,000 Yen. "This should do for now." JD then kicked Kuno in the face.

JD looked back at Josh and saw that he was sticking his leg into a vending machine while clucking like a chicken and yelling "WOOF WOOF WOOF Im a big gay homo who likes it in the ass!"

Just then Evan came up behind JD and slapped the place where the baby was. "Stop with the mind tricks jack ass, even though it IS pretty funny.....vagina neck."

"Pfft Fine! DON’T LET ME HAVE FUN....dank." JD said before walking out the door and flying away while making Evan seem like he was doing a cheeta in da butt.

Josh smiled.

*************

Later on... back in the Pokemon Universe Evan opened up the portal to the next universe and they all jumped through.

The foursome woke up to the annoying sound of. "The self-destruct sequence has been activated you have 3:00 minutes remaining all staff please evacuate."

"H-O-L-Y-----S-H-I-T!" Three boys screamed realising what was going on.

"What, what is it Josh?" Kasumi asked Josh with a worried expression on her face.

"The self destruction sequence has been activated!" he stated. The other three just looked at him.

"We know." JD said.

"Yeah." Evan continued. He then looked around. "This place looks familiar."

Just then a gun shot went off and ricocheted off of the floor, hitting Josh in the chest. "Ow that stings." The foursome of dimensional travellers looked up to see a bandaged up police officer like looking person, with brown hair and slim features.

"Hey that looks like Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil 2." Evan stated.

All of a sudden a panel in the room above started to bend down with heavy sounding metallic crashes. Moments later William Birkin burst through the roof in his type two mutation. The foursome moved over to where Leon was as Birkin throbbed on the ground and mutated further. "Hey Leon, hows it going?" Evan asked.

Leon was breathing heavily and seemed very frightened. As he moved the gun back and forth between the four people, especially the gargoylesque JD. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!?!?!" He screamed.

Josh smiled. "I’m Josh, this is Evan, Kasumi, and JD." He said pointing to each of his group mates respectively. The mutated Birkin began to run towards the five people.

"MOVE!!!!" Leon bellowed to the people in front of him, pointing his gun at the incoming Tyrant.

Josh turned around and fired a ki blast that completely incinerated the Tyrant type three. He then turned back to Leon. "Hey! I was talking! Don’t interupt!"Leon then began to back up.

"Who are you people? Are you from Umbrella!? WHAT ARE YOU!!!" He then pointed at JD with his gun. "ESPECIALLY YOU!!"

Leon then fired the gun but nothing happened. Josh moved forward and Leon shot another seven times at him. Josh grabbed the gun a crushed it. He then handed all of his bullets back to him, the ones that he caught using the Tenshin Amaguriken. "Here. Can we finish this conversation on the train?"

Leon looked confused. "Wha? What the... are you?"Josh then grabbed Leon and dragged him over to the rest of the group... he then instant transmissioned away.

******************

Evan looked around on the train. "Resident Evil 2." She said in a ominous voice.

Claire and Leon stared at the group as JD started to compulsively rub the back of his neck only to be reminded of the baby. "Who are these people Leon?" Claire asked, holding her Italian model pistol at head level with the gargoyle.

Leon was still in shock. "Josh, Evan, Kasumi, and Jd..." He said in monotone.

Claire looked surprised. "They are survivors?"

Leon just stared at the group as Claire holstered her pistol. Evan smiled and walked up to Claire. "Hello, I am zee fornenenication diplomatical person from Uranus. I’m here to find klingons... seen any?"

Claire followed Leon’s lead and stared. Shelley walked up to JD and poked him. "Hey mister? What are you?"

JD turned to face the little girl. "I am a human you snotty nosed bitch! NOW FUCK OFF!!!"

Claire pulled out her pistol and fired the contents of its clip at JD, knocking little pieces of rock off of the gargoyle. "Get away from her you monster!!"

JD growled. "I told the bitch to fuck off!! That’s all."

Everyone went silent and Evan fought the urge to slap the crying Sherry.

*******************

Josh frowned as he watched the explosion in the distance as the Umbrella factory exploded and took out a good chunk of Racoon city. "Well this was a bad time to come into this universe... I mean... what are we gonna do for entertainment now that the story for RE2 is over?"

Leon walked over to Josh and put a hand on his shoulder. "Now that that’s all over would you mind telling we what you were doing in that factory and how you did all that stuff?" He asked.

Claire nodded as she moved towards the group, leaving Sherry with Kasumi. "Yeah, and what’s this Resident Evil thing that you’ve been talking about the whole time? How do you know so much about Umbrella and their experiments?"

Evan smiled, checking out Claire’s firm, shapely derriere. "We’re From several other dimensions and the situation that you and Leon were in just now was a video game in our world." She said.

Claire looked confused. "Other dimension?" Claire’s expression then became one of anger. "Listen lady! I’ve just been through countless hours of running from zombies and other mutated undead creatures! I don’t want to hear a made up story that you came up with on the fly just because you don’t want to tell us anything!"

Evan frowned. "I’m a man!... Or at least I used to be."

JD smiled. "Actually Claire... he’s telling the truth. If you’ve been through countless hours of undead battles would dimensional travel really seem all that strange?"

Claire growled. However she didn’t have anything to back her anger up with and sighed. "Whatever... we still have to put an end to Umbrella... this probably isn’t the only incident like this."

Josh shrugged. "Sure whatever... could be fun." just then Josh convulsed in pain. "Ahh!! CRAP!!! Something’s hurting!! Ow." All of a sudden two more sets of arms burst out of Joshes sides and he began to change and get really hairy, with mandibles and he got more eyes. After the transformation the pain stopped and Josh looked down at him self. "Well this sucks!"Josh then glared at Evan which was scary now cause he was all like a spider. "Evan you did this didn’t you?"

Evan looked Josh over. "Actually I didn’t... But I sure wish I did!!" Evan then burst into laughter, but was cut short by a sharp jabbing pain in her left side. "Oh fucky doo." Evan grimaced as she felt her soul being slowly tugged out of her body. Evan then fell flat on her face and according to Josh’s new hyper developed senses was quite dead.

Josh frowned and pulled out a note pad with one set of arms and then wrote down, "That’s 2."

Sherry frowned. "Shut up dank." Everyone stared at the little girl.

"Sherry?" Claire and Leon asked in unison.

"Oh, hi Evan." JD said nonchalantly.

Kasumi leaned over. "Why’d you die again Evan?" She asked concerned. "And did you turn my husband into a giant monster Spider? If you did I’m gonna have to give you a spanking and put you in the corner."

"I don’t know if that was a threat or not." JD said. "Cause that turned me on!"

Josh glared at him. "Don’t make me poison you."

Sherry smiled. "All the ladies can spank me! Esept the hairy one. She’s ugly." Sherry then did a booty dance. "You ugly, you ugly. Uh huh, uh huh, you ugly." She sang.

JD frowned. "That just looks wrong."

Josh frowned and bitch slapped Evan. "Yeah! Stop that. JD’s gonna turn into a pedofile if you keep it up."

Sherry made little scared baby eyes. "Oh no, gargoyle rape. Oooh dats not good."

JD paused, glared at the group and screamed. "I!!! AM NOT!!!! A PEDOFILE!!!!"

Sherry smiled. "Naked boys, naked boys and more sweaty glistening naked boys, eh JD?"

JD looked sad.

Josh then turned around and noticed Claire and Leon where both pointing their guns at them again. "Oh zip it up! You’re gonna blow your load for nothing."

Leon looked cautious. "How do I know you’re not faking it?"

Josh shrugged. "Who cares! I’m virtually invincible anyway! Shoot!"

Evan pushed her way past Josh and gave Claire goo goo eyes. "You... wouldn’t shoot me... would you Claire?" She asked, really sounding convincingly frightened.

Claire faltered and dropped her aim, turning away. Leon’s aim seemed to falter as well. Then Sherry bum rushed the bastards, stealing Claire’s gun and sadly attempting to aim it, let alone hold it and was only able to pull of one shot, which sent her flying backwards. The shot ricocheted off JD’s balls and hit Josh in the forehead. Josh stumbled around for a second seeming dazed but overall unscathed. JD didn’t even notice.

"Huh? Did someone shoot something?" the gargoyle of the group queried.

Evan rubbed her forearm and held the pistol loosely. "Yeah, I was gonna hold these bastards at bay with a warning shot, but your testicles got in the way... kinda odd I’d hit something so small with my pussy girl aim. Ain’t that right Claire? EH? EH!?!"

Claire was still in shock from Sherry’s bold action. "What’s gotten into you Sherry? You seem like someone else."

Sherry slapped her forehead with her good arm. "Well duh!! I’m that elf woman folk from before who inexplicably dropped dead for reasons unknown. I guess they don’t make elves like they used too..." Sherry then walked over to the dead elf and started to poke it with the barrel of the gun. "It’s really weird to poke your own dead body, you know?" Sherry then giggled and continued to poke.

Josh shrugged. "Hey Evan.. How bout you open up the portal to the next universe? I’m bored."

Sherry nodded. "No problem!"Evan then waved her tiny little arm through the air and paused. "Problem."

Josh sighed "What is it?"

Evan looked over with tears streaming down her face. "I’ve got no powers any more!"

****************

author’s notes: {Well we’re progressing the story of SI now... yeah there is a story. It’s just VERY suttle, among the hurting, and the killing, and high jinx, and WO HYVEN!! Any vay. We’re going somewhere later on that’s going to make everything seem better... but then, someone won’t be satisfyed and will want to continue the trip, and gain power... but THEN!!!... I leave you hanging.}

(Don’t believe the spider man! Or the five year old... man I am pathetic now... but isn’t it funny!!! I died again.. Hehehehe!! DEAD!! DEADDEADDEADDEAD!!! or as a old lady in a cellar would put it. DEAD BY DAWN!! DEAD BY DAWN!!! An old man did that too... but that’s not the point now is it? Anywho, I think this is suiting as I was becoming a veritable God of magic... which just isn’t as fun as a little five year old wussy girl... yes, those precious little girly fingers... nevermind that.... bye.)

{Once again JD is not here... We might kill him off like we did Paul. *sigh* Damn third parties.}

(Ah Paul, we’ll miss you, but our aim is improving as Six D Four would have it... sides, Rain hit him just fine. Maybe her crippled ass came stop by for a cameo with anti gargoyle spray that she borrowed from Adam West... he’s got everything!)

JD... ah screw him.