Self Insertion
Chapter 56
Evan sat in front of the T.V., Mee’Yaow at his side. “The devil has taste.” Evan said as he started
the first of many kung fu and action movies that Satan himself had given to him.
“Fists of Fury? Flying Death of a thousand Punches?” Mee’Yaow said, looking at some of the
pirated DVDs. “Lame titles.” She said as she swigged some beer.
Evan shrugged. “I guess they’ll teach me ass-kickery or something... I am the anti-christ now just
like my mom predicted... got a bit of a reputation to uphold or something.” He said as he leaned
back and watched the opening credits roll.
“Well I’m going to head into town and do something... if you just sit around all day you’ll get
fat... especially if you keep drinking beers!” Mee’Yaow stated, sounding slightly peeved at her
husband’s current behavior.
“Well soooooorry! Just so happens that I got tagged to end the world as we know it and watching
movies is the best way to win the fight against ultimate good... in my case.” Evan said, lying
down to fill the empty spot that Mee’Yaow left as she stood up.
Mee’Yaow yawned. “Well if it’ll help you do what you want then I guess I’m all for it.” She said
as she laid down on the couch and started spooning with Evan.
“Woman!” He exclaimed as he brushed her ears down. “Can’t see.” He said with a smile.
Grinning Mee’Yaow elbowed Evan in the gut, getting a satisfying grunt out of him. She then
recoiled and rolled off the couch. “You are getting fat! I felt ponch!!” She exclaimed.
Evan sat up and felt what was the starting off a beer gut. “Huh... guess I am... fancy that.” He said
as he flopped back down.
“I CAN’T BE WITH A FAT MAN!!” Mee’Yaow hollered.
“K...” Evan said letting out a loud belch.
With that Mee’Yaow stormed out of the room slamming the door. “I’m leaving!!”
Evan perked up with a smile. “For good?”
Mee’Yaow Screamed at that and slammed the door behind her.
Evan smirked and then used his shapeshifting powers to give himself abs again. “Women.
Gullable!
***********
Josh smiled as he ran past Mee’Yaow in the Apartment building’s hall with three large shopping
bags full of mysterious contents that no one knows what they are. Josh then force threw the door
to the apartment open and flew in.
“EVAN!” Josh screamed as he landed in front of his best friend.
Evan just tried to look around him. “DOWN IN FRONT!”
Josh just ignored Evan. “Evan. I did it! I found the perfect way to reassert my manhood in my
relationship with Ranko!”
Evan replied. “Fancy that, so did I. But not with Ranko... cause you’re dating Ranko... and I’m a
married man, you pervert.”
Josh just looked confused for a second and then continued on. “Anyway. I’m going to need the
TV for the next few days for my plan.”
Evan frowned. “I need this TV to end the world as we know it, there is no reason you could
possibly give me that would make me gfive up or EVEN share this TV with you.”
Josh then dumped out the contents of his shopping bags onto the broken coffee table in front of
him. It was DVD’s of porn. Hundreds of them. Evan’s eyes widened in shock. He then looked
over at Josh, then back at the pile.... he then shuffled himself over a few feet on the couch. “Sit
down my friend.” Evan said with an absolute calm. “Tonight we dine... IN PORN!”
Josh nodded, put a random pornographic DVD in the DVD player. He then picked up the remote
from the coffee tables cold dead... coffee table top, and sat down on the couch. And turned it on.
*************
Six hours later, like... time hours.
Evan continued to smile as the japanese ladies all moaned and whined with pleasure on the
pornographic DVD’s as Josh took notes. “These Japanese peoples have good ideas... totally
stealing that last move! I didn’t know you could bend a woman like that!”
Josh nodded. “Yeah. And that last porn: ‘How to manipulate your woman sexually so that she’ll
do anything you want’ was a good one too.”
Evan smiled and cheersed Josh with his bottle of beer... and Josh’s head. “Yeah, and lets not
forget: ‘Flying ninja fucks from fuck town for fucks sake.’. The title alone screams
awesomeness.”
Josh nodded again as he stared intently at the screen and then wrote something down.
“Interesting... I didn’t know tongues were that durable.”
Evan all of a sudden ppulls a commentator microphone from his pocket universe. “And the
lesbian midget steps up to bat. She’s got a dildo spiked dildo and looks like she knows how to
use it... she leans in, bends her legs past her head by about three feet, dislocates her shoulders, the
bull is running towards her...”
“Shut up Evan, I’m trying to watch this!” Josh yelled in frustration.
All of a Sudden the front door opened, revealing a rather shocked Mee’Yaow. “YOU’RE
WATCHING PORN!!?!”
Josh glared at Mee’Yaow. “Hey. We’re trying to concentrate.” Josh then glanced over at Evan.
“May I?”
Evan nodded. “Yes you may.”
Josh smiled and turned back to Mee’Yaow. “Get useful, get in the kitchen, bake us a pie.”
Evan literally beamed. “You have learned well my young padawan.”
Josh frowned. “Actually that was from ‘Eleven deadly ways to control another man’s woman.’”
Evan cocked an eyebrow. “These titles are oddly specific... I mean look at this one. ‘How to
control the male side of an aquatransexual so that he’ll consent willingly to you having sex with
his female side.’?”
Josh blinked.
Evan blinked.
Mee’Yaow who was busy baking a pie blinked.
Ranma who was currently across town fighting against Ryoga for no reason again blinked for
some odd reason.
JD, who was currently stuck in another dimension blinked. “Huh, must have something in my
eye.”
“You say something daddy?” His wang necked daughter asked.
JD slapped her across the room. “GET BACK TO YOUR BIBLE STUDIES YOU ABOMBINATION!!!”
She then got a enecktion.
Paul, who was dead, blinked... kinda... it was more like a twitch.... but it still counts and so it is
logged.
Josh blinked again. “You’re telling me... that we’ve had this DVD... all this time.”
Evan looked around insanely and then did a backflip for no reason and then did a double gun
point at Josh. “Ye.”
“And we’ve been watching all these other porns for six hours now... and not this one.” Josh
continued.
Evan did a somersault, a handstand, jumped out the window and ran back into the room. “Yes,
that is what I’m saying.”
Josh blinked.
Blink blinked in the Age of apocalype, age of apocalyyyyypse. APOCALYYYYPSE!
Dah dah dah!!!!
APOC A LYYYYYPSE!
DAHDAH DAH DAAAH DAH!!!
Evan shrugged. “I figured we’d watch it when the moon was in the seventh house or something.”
Josh blinked... “I’m such a moron for letting you pick the order.”
“Well it wasn’t a bad thing... I mean you have all those notes from ‘Cock masters of the
Universe’ Right?”
“And I continue to pray that I never have to use those. I mean... that’s fucked up.”
Evan frowned. “Yeah Dolph Lundgren was horrible in that.”
Josh nodded. “Yes, you’d think that he would have realized that it wasn’t actually a sequel to
Masters of the universe and actually just a porn knock off.”
Evan smiled and then screamed. “AND HE SO GOT KNOCKED OFF!”
Josh blinked.
Chuppa, who is no longer hot chocolate mix due to the reversal of time by god blinked, then
screamed in agony as a torrent of water appeared out of nowhere and doused him.
He was hot chocolate mix again.
Chuppa that is.
He’s a bad mutha
“Drink yo mix!”
But I’m talking about chuppa.
“We can drink it.”
Evan sniffed and threw the DVD he was holding out the window. “Well it probably sucked
anyway.”
Josh dove out the window head first after the DVD. Evan Ran to the window and pulled a gun
out of somewhere and started shooting, narrowly missing both Josh and the DVD. Just as Josh
neared the DVD a bullet hit the case, sending bits of plastic scattering to the pavement. Josh
caught the remnants of the DVD case and cradled it to his chest like it was the most important
thing in the world... like his mother or something. He landed on the pavement but rolled to lessen
the impact.
All of a Sudden two emo looking guys with white hair drove up on cool looking motorcycles,
one skinny with long hair and the other bigger with shorter hair. “Is that it?” The skinny one
asked.
“No... just some DVD... I think we’re in the wrong town....”
“Don’t cry... let’s just go.”
“Ok.” the bigger man sadi, hanging his head a bit as if he was going to cry despite the very fact
that the skinny guy had just told him not to.
The two emo guys drove away as Josh slowly and dramatically got up off of the ground, staring
intensely with worry at the DVD case... “Ka... cough... Crap... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” He
screamed as he threw his head back in torment.
PLUNK
All of a sudden a green translucent marble about the size of a baseball hit Josh in the head. “So
are we going to watch it or not?” Evan called from above him with an armfull of multi-coloured
marbles.
Josh growled and then after doing a quick power up(having just read the entire DBZ manga
series the day before) started running up the wall screaming his new battle cry of, “EVAN YOU
SON OF A BITCH!!!”
Okay so not that new...
Josh crashed through the window some more, grabbed Evan’s head and slammed it into the
ground, then continued running, while dragging Evan’s head along the floorboards, then jumped
up, threw Evan to the ground and came down with a crushing leg stomp.
There was an epic pause as the dust began to settle, Josh’s knee still deeply imbedded in Evan’s
face. Neither of the men moved for what seemed like ages, but was actually like... maybe... two
minutes tops.
All of a sudden Mee’Yaow came out of the kitchen and called out. “Pie’s ready!”
Josh got up off of Evan’s face, and started off towards the kitchen. “Oooh pie.”
Evan got up off the ground like nothing had happened and followed Josh. “Yes I do so like pie.”
Josh and Evan then took a half a pie each and sat back down at the TV to continue watching
porn. “So what next?” Josh asked.
Evan shrugged a mighty shrug. “I dunno. How about this one: “Asses of shit dick nipple tits from
the amazon mountains of flame belching vaginas.”
Josh nodded and flipped to a new page in his notebook. “Sounds good to me. But you do realize
that since you destroyed that DVD we’re totally going to have to go and find another copy right?”
Evan shrugged. “Shouldn’t be too hard. I mean... it exists right? So there’s got to be another copy
at the place you got it from right?”
Josh nodded. “Yeah. That is true.”
***********
Later at that place where josh got that DVD he wanted so badly to watch.
Josh and evan walked into the store which specialized solely in porn and porn related items and
foods. “Dick Cheese?” Evan asked to no-one in particular as he picked up and examined a
package of said product.
Josh nodded. “Yeah.” He then reached the counter where a crotchety old man who looked like he
had been hit in the face with a shovel and then stuffed full of nothing but PORK for twenty years
while having his face dipped in hot coals while rabid ninja hampsters nibbled on his testicles was
working.
“Welcome to Ninja Tit twist Porn Emporeum of Porn and Ninja Porn related Porn with Ninjas
and Porn Inc of Porn Warehouse... which I’m supposed to tell you isn’t actually a warehouse, but
this store in which you are standing, unless you believe in some metaphysical reality where
nobody is standing, becasue we don’t want to offend your beliefs.
Josh blinked.
The store clerk made some sort of face twitch like thing that could have been a blink, or he
farted.... one of the two. He smelt bad anyway.
A ninja in the rafters blinked.
Evan looked towards the store clerk, blinked, dropped the package of Vagispam, dropped his jaw
and yelled. “SWEET FUCKING FUCK FUCKS ON A FUCK BUN COVERED IN BUM
NUGGETS TOPPED LIGHTLY WITH DICK CHEESE WITH A SMALL SIDE ORDER OF
VAGISPAM WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!?!?!”
Josh frowned...
The cashier looked behind him... or he might have been waving to a friend across the street... as
if he had any friends or was cognizant of any streets, and then turned back to Evan and then
pointed to himself questioningly. “Me?” He asked with an accent that sounded not unlike a
hillbilly getting crushed by a truck while simultaneously being raped by a spontaneously
combusting voracious pack of dolphins.
Evan screamed incoherently and then materialized a ginormous gun and shot the man in what he
presumed to be his face.
The man like thing fell to the floor grasping the wound that looked to be right in between his eye
like things. “AHH! MY KNEE!!!”
“HE’S SO UGLY HE HAS NO DISCERNABLE ANATOMY!!! I MUST PURGE IT!!!”
Screamed Evan as he leapt towards the counter to try and finish the job.
Josh held him back. “Wait! He didn’t do anything Evan!”
Evan screamed some more as he tried in vain to get past Josh to finish gods work.(The devil)
“HE IS EVIL!!!! EVIL!!!”
Josh frowned. “Yeah? Well he’s the only one that would know where to find that other copy of:
‘How to control the male side of an aquatransexual so that he’ll consent willingly to you having
sex with his female side’.” He said.
The cashier did something that could be construed as looking up but was more than likely just
releasing his bowels... a foul smell followed either way. “Oh? That one? I rented the last copy out
to a nice young man... a bit heavier set... white like you guys.”
“Oh... my.... god.” Evan said, forgetting (for the most part) the cashier like thing.
The cashier noticed, or at least he made some sort of twitching, pulsating, vibrating, movement
that could be deciphered as noticing. “You know him? I rented it out to him a couple months
back. Haven’t really heard from him since.”
Evan screamed. “OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T. THAT’S BECAUSE I BLEW IT OUT OF THE
GOD DAMNED AIR LOCK!”
The cashier looked confused... or at least he kinda jiggled.
Josh frowned. “So you mean that the last copy is floating out in space somewhere?”
Evan foamed a bit at the mouth and gibbered something incoherently. “Airlock... night... come
out.... mostly.” He said as he twitched around and punched at the air.
Josh then turned to the cashier. “Is there another store that rents or sells that DVD?”
The cashier shook his head... or at least he made some sort of rolling around on the ground type
motion while small bubbles on his back burst and sprayed Evan in the face with a yellowy white
puss like substance that could have been semen. “Nope, those were the only two copies of the
thing. There was a factory commissioned some Naberker Tender person to print them But then
some kid with a pony and/or pig tail came along and Maka Takahashied the factory to the
ground. These where the only two copies that made it out alive.”
Evan then tried his murder attempt again.
************