Self Insertion
Chapter 57
Chapter 57 (if you guys want a title you can make it your own damn selves.)
Little Billy, an average Japanese boy with long, soft, baby blonde hair took out his favourite and
only telescope from his toy chest and set it up quickly at his bedroom window. "Wow!" Little
Billy exclaimed as he peered through the little eye looker thingy of the telescoping device for
looking far away in the distance.
Through the scope he saw what looked like a meteor, heading straight towards his house from the
sky{where meteors come from} (see, when a mommy meteor and a daddy meteor love each other
very much...). Billy quickly gathered up his favourite shovel for some reason and rushed out to
the empty lot next to his house quickly, because he estimated that that was where it was going to
land.
As the flaming ball of, whatever from space, came towards Little Billy, he smiled with glee,
Wait'll all the kids at school see his very own meteor at show and tell. {Cause Japanese kids do
show and tell}
Just then the meteor landed right on top of Little Billys house, turning it into a burning pile of
rubble and family body parts. (family bits) Billy frowned at this. "Crap." he stated. "Now I'm an
orphan."
Billy growled, deducing in his little mind that the meteor was actually a alien space ship and it
had purposly destroyed his family and family home. He gathered up his little shovel and stormed
towards the wreckage.
"All right alien scum! I'm gonna make you pay for killing my whole family!" Little Billy yelled
as he navigated through the broken house and family.
As soon as he finished he came upon a sight that chilled him to his bone.
"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!"
The giant blob of flesh then started to move towards Little Billy. Little Billy froze in terror as the
monstrous monstrosity loomed over him.
Mark Malow wasn't feeling so well. He hadn't eaten in like... 30 minutes or something like that,
not since that asteroid that he thought tasted very much like burnt bacon wrapped in deep fried
feces. He was so hungry by now that he felt like he could eat anything. He then felt something
touch him.
Little Billy slammed his shovel into the creature, but the fat on it suddenly grabbed the shovel
from his hands and forcefully took it out of his hands and into itself.
Then, what looked like hands, or the monstrously obese equivalent of hands burst forth from the
blob and enveloped the Little Billy.
"Noooo!" Litle Billy screamed.
"HUUUUUUUUUNNNGRRRYYYYYYY!" Mark malow screamed in a voice that no longer
sounded human. It then snapped Little Billy in half. Malow then threw the lower half of Little
Billy in the air, and caught it with his mouth, devouring it. The upper part of Little Billy was
devoured into Malows arm, and with that Malow grew in mass.
"Still hungry!" Malow claimed as he started to move towards the center of tokyo. As he passed
through the wreckage of the house, the pieces of the house and family were obsorbed into the
girth of the creature.
*************
Evan came back to the apartment with an arm-ton of DVDs mostly revolving around space and
space travel. "Space Odysey, Contact, Aliens, yeah I got a good list." He said as he kicked the
apartment door down. "BITCH I'M HOME!!!" He called out lovingly. Getting no response he
flopped down on the couch, force got himself a beer and force started his first movie... about the
force... it was star wars... "Lame." He said as the opening scene started. "I'm jedi." He said in a
whiny voice. "I can't train you, you is a bad man!" He continued. "Fucking Windu son of a bitch."
He grumbled ust as Josh walked through the door with a crap ton of books.
"Just a little bitter over Windu not training you dude?" Josh asked as he carelessly threw all the
books except one across the room. That book being one on quantum physics. He then sat down
on the couch next to Evan and started reading as Evan watched the movie.
"Yeah... he's a douche." Evan said.
"Yeah." Josh agreed, flipping the page, "But he's a bad mutha..."
"Shut your mouth." Evan said.
"But I'm just talking about my..." Josh started.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"Evan screamed at Josh, followed by force turning up the volume on
Star Wars.
Josh decided that taking orders from Evan was a bad idea so he continued o talk. "So what do
you think that meteor thingy was? I heard it got up and started walking away after it landed."
"Urban legend.... there was no meteor..." Evan said, kinda sketchily.
"..." josh said. "Dude... we saw it."
'OUT THE GODDAMN AIRLOCK!!!" Evan screamed as he flailed around a bit.
Josh got out of the way of the flailing crack monkey next to him. "Okay, that was out of
nowhere." Josh said as Evan put the monkey back in his pocket dimension.
"Actually it was out of my pocket dimension." Evan corrected perfectly calm.
Josh noded as he flipped the page of his book non-chalantly. "Yeah when did you get that back?"
Evan shruged a mighty shrug of doom. "I just watched and anime and it was back. heh heh."
Evan chuckled as he pulled his lesbian slave from before out of the pocket dimension. "Still got
all my old stuff too."
"I HAVEN'T EATEN IN MONTHS" The lesbian slave girl screamed before getting shoved back
in the pocket dimension.
Evan frowned at the outburst and stuffed some couch lint into his pocket dimension. "That
should shut her up." He said with a satisfied nod.
Josh blinked at the display. "Right... so umm... did you get any movies that actually show
building a space ship? Or you know... something helpful?" He asked pointing towards the movie
stack.
Evan shrugged. "Meh, maybe... umm... Contact kinda builds a spaceship..."
Josh frowned. "Right... so I'm going to be doing this by myself then?"
Evan smiled. "Yeah probably... honestly I don't really care about the DVD... I mean... if I did why
would I have thrown it out the window and shot at it?"
Josh groaned. "Yeah... I guess your right... ass."
Evan shrugged again and kicked back, resting his feet on the remainder of the coffee table. "Yeah
well... I'ma watch some movies."
Josh nodded. "Okay."
************
One month later
Evan, brushed some food out of his beard and looked over to Josh who was still sitting next to
him in he exact same spot. "Mreh meh mer... mneeeeeh." Evan said.
Josh looked up from his new book, 'how to build a space ship that can find giant fat people in
space' "What?"
Evan nodded. "Didn't I say I would meet those guys, like, a week ago?"
"What guys?" Josh asked, not looking up from his book.
"Good point."
"Point?" Josh said, frowning slightly.
"Yeah, I agree."
"Ok...."
*************
Meanwhile at The Japans National Only Stadium Ever...
Pants man kicked another stone as he paced, he looked over to where Uwe Boll was and
shivered as the man made entirely out of penis and dick was making a movie at the moment. He
then looked over to Kayphat Man and shivered since Kayphat man wore no pants. He then
looked over to his final teammate, Jesus Christ Kicker of Asses.
Jesus was just standing there, talking to himself...
Pants man big sweated... "Man these guys are all weird" He said, not really taking into account
the fact that he himself wore nothing but pants and used same said garment as a weapon.
Jesus stopped talking to himself then and walked up to Pant Man. "I don't think they're coming."
Jesus said.
Kayphat man suddenly turned around at this statement and stormed up to Jesus and Pants Man.
"NO! They have TO come! They GAVE their WORD!"
"But it's been over a month since they said they'd set this up." Pants Man seconded.
Kayphat Man looked sad. "But what if THEY went TO a DIFFERENT stadium!?" He asked,
desperate for some sort of indication that there might be a chance that they haven't been stood up.
Pants man sighed. "This is the only stadium in Japan." He said.
Kayphat man sighed and slumped down on the ground. "Lets just wait a little longer. I'm sure
they'll COME!"
Pants man groaned. "Fine. Just one more day though."
***********
Evan chuckled as he finished watching a youtube video about a little boy who created a planet
with gay unicorns. "This shit is retarded." Evan then went off to the fridge and actually got
himself a beer. "But it does give me ideas..."
Josh grumbled something. "Yes, course... gay unicorns!" He shook his head. "Fuck your
retarded."
Evan went on as if he hadn't heard. "All I need is a magic lamp and I could make a space ship or
something and we could go into space!"
Josh slammed his book on the table. "You ass! If you had a magic lamp you could just wish for
the DVD!"
"Yes... yes... space ship..." Evan continued, still ignoring Josh. "I'll be back! I have a lamp to
find!!" with that Evan took off through the kitchen, and jumped through the window into the
streets below.
Josh just shook his head. "Jack ass." He muttered to himself. Just then he closed the cover of the
book he was reading: 'how to turn your ship into a giant transforming robot' and picked up the
next book smiling. "This should be useful." he exclaimed, opening 'the MacGuyver Guide To
Building Anything Out of Anything' and starting to read.
*************
Evan landed on the street below and began to make his way to a lamp store (Cause they totally
have those in japan, shut up). *Best idea ever* He thought to himself as he half-skipped down
the street, being careful to avoid the various homeless people.
Five long minutes later
"Hello lamp clerk, I would be obliged to rub upon your lamps." Evan said to the lamp clerk who
was in charge of the lamp store.
"Why of course sir." The lamp made man said, as he was made of lamps. "Our lamps are here
for the rubbing."
Evan's daydream broke as he tripped on a homeless dude. "HEY HOMELESS! GET OUT OF
MY WAY!" He yelled as he kicked the man and took his cup of change as revenge. "Bastard, not
being housed... this'll teach him."
"MAH BUYING A HOUSE FUND!" The Homeless man yelled out.
Evan stopped, as if smitten with an idea of such magnitude that it could reach out and punch.
"Yes.... yes that's it!" He said to himself, taking a most serious tone. "homeless man, you have
solved my problem... I shall now bestow upon you a power... the power of...
HOMELESSNESS!!" Evan bellowed. "HA HA!"
And with that he ran home to tell Josh the great idea.
***************
Josh smiled as he finished his last book. "I think I should be able to do this now." Just then he
heard the doorbell ring.
Curiously Josh walked over to the door and opened it. There stood Ranko. She looked sad.
"Ranko?" Josh asked.
Rankoe eyes suddenly started to water and she leapt forward hugging Josh as tight as she could.
"Where have you BEEN!?" She asked.
Josh looked confused. "Uhm... I was right here."
"But I've been trying to call you for months!" She bawled. "Why didn't you answer the phone!?
Or the door!?" She wailed.
Josh looked confused. "Uhh... I was reading."
Ranko then took a step back, her head hung. "Are you avoiding me?" She asked. "I'll understand
if you are... I mean, I'm nothing but a no good half person who wants to kill you in one form and
love you in the other."
Josh continued to look confused. "Uh... I was just reading. Me and Evan are trying to study up so
that we can build a spaceship and go find someone that we left in space."
"So... You don't hate me?" Ranko asked.
Josh rolled his eyes. "Of course not. I've just been busy." Ranko smiled wide and leapt at Josh
again, wrapping her arms around him in a bone crushing hug.
All of a sudden Evan came back, through the same window that he had jumped out of before.
"DUDE!" Evan yelled, running towards Josh and Ranko, with a shopping bag, full of what
looked like more DVDs.
Josh looked curious as Evan stopped in front of them. "I totally figured it out." Evan said.
"Figured what out?" Ranko asked.
Evan smiled even wider and pulled a DVD out of the bag. The DVD was Aladdin, the Disney
movie.
Josh looked confused. "You're going to watch Aladdin?" He asked.
Evan nodded.
Josh frowned. "And you're going to try to learn how to grant wishes?"
Evan nodded, smiling wider than before.
Josh now looks unimpressed. "So that you could wish for a spacesh..."
Just then Ean cut Josh off. "So I can WISH! For a SPACESHIP!"
Josh and Ranko stood there looking at Evan for a few minutes, taking breaks every few seconds
or so to just blink. Finally Josh opened his mouth to talk. Ranko cut him off though. "You're an
idiot."
Evan wasn't listening anymore. he was busy watching Alladin. "This is quite possibly the most
brilliant idea I've ever had." He exclaimed as he munched on some popcorn.
"So..." josh started, turning his attention back to Ranko. "Want to get out of here? I have to go
pick up some things here and there around town anyways."
Ranko smiled and nodded as she looped her arm around Josh's. "I would be glad to accompany
you good sir."
With that Josh and Ranko left the apartment building.
**************
Ranko looked confusedly at Josh as he bought another item at a hardware store and then made it
suddenly somehow disappear.
"So how does the whole pocket dimension thing work?" Ranko asked as they continued on out of
the store.
Josh looked at her questioningly. "How do you mean?"
Ranko shrugged. "You know, how does it work? It doesn't appear to obey the laws of physics
much, and like you said before all you had to do to be able to have a pocket dimension is exist in
a anime based universe right? But how does it work?"
Josh nodded at that. "Ah. Well I have a theory about that. Now remember when we pissed off
God and he rewound the multiverse?"
Ranko nodded.
Josh continued. "Well I figure that since God exists there's really no definite rule to the
multiverses. It's all basically figured out by him, and he's decreed that there are basically worlds
for every idea that any person ever has. So if you come up with an idea about a boy who likes pie,
and then it turns out that the pie is actually a invention by demons used to enslave people but
then he's the only one that can't be controlled by them and then he has to fight off the demons by
himself..." Josh then took a deep breath. "Well that would creat an entirely new universe, and if I
decided that I wanted it to be an anime then it would have anime physics and people within that
universe could all use pocket dimensions"
Ranko looked inquisitive. "Wouldn't that mean that we're all god in some way?"
Josh looked contemplative at that. "That must be where the whole 'in gods image' idea comes
from... but no. He's the man that makes it happen. He probably just sets up conitions so that
everytime someone comes up with any characers or ideas new universes are automatically made
to fit them. so that's why there's so many infinite numbers of realities."
Ranko looked intrigued. "That's kinda cool."
Josh nodded "Yeah. It's also kinda cool that you undserstand what I'm talking about. I mean, you
came from Ranma right?" Josh laughed at that and Ranko frowned playfully and punched him in
the arm.
"Jerk" She said.
Josh stuck out his tongue. "Uncute."
The couple burst out laughing at Ranma and Akane's expense.
**************
Evan smiled as the credits to Alladin and the kind of theives began to roll. "Now." Evan said
with an evil grin. "Now I have the power!"
He then leapt up off the couch and rubbed his forehead yelling: "I WISH FOR A SPACESHIP!"
Nothing happened.
"I WISH FOR A SPACESHIP!!!" Evan yelled again, rubbing his forehead till it was red.
Again, nothing happened.
"SPACE!!! SHIP!!!" He screamed, rubbing with increased vigor and beginning to draw blood.
Once again, nothing happened.
Evan sat down looking utterly defeated. "Well fuck,... That did not go quite as I planned it." He
frowned and sat down. "Maybe I'm not wishing hard enough?"
All of a sudden there was a knock on the door.
Evan got up and walked to the door. "Who's there?" He asked as he rubbed his head again, this
time more gentily.
"It's me... Mee'Yaow." Came a cat-voice from the other side of the door.
"Oh... well what the fuck?" Evan replied as he wandered off to the bathroom to get bandages,
force-openning the door as an afterthought.
"I decided to come back." Mee'Yaow said, sounding passive.
"That's nice." He said blankly as he patched up his forehead in the bathroom mirror.
"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm back?" She asked, sounding more angry.
"No... I trust your decision making skills." Evan said finishing his bandage job.
"I wish you would understand!" Mee'Yaow yelled.
"Ok." Evan said, and suddenly he was hit with a wave of realization. "Wait... I do understand... I
understand completely!"
"Really?" Mee'Yaow asked hopefully.
"Yeah... I really do..." Evan replied pensively. "But I don't know why..."
"That's wonderful Evan, I'm so happy!" Mee'Yaow exclaimed as she glomped the bandaged boy.
"So you'll change?"
"Nope." Evan said. "Probably not."
Mee'Yaow released Evan and slinked back. "Really?"
"Yeah...."
Mee'Yaow looked defeated. "I wish I was married to someone else sometimes." She muttered
under her breath.
"Ok." Evan stated simply and handed her a materialized contract.
"What's this?" She asked.
"What you wished for." Evan stated simply. "On Tuesdays and Wednesdays you are married to
me... every other day you are married to this guy named Shiro Matsumoto."
"Who's that?"
"I dunno, just some random Japanese guy... he lives in Tokyo." Evan said pointing out something
on the paper. "That's his address for now, but he'll be moving in on Saturday."
"You're kidding right?"
"No, this is legally binding. I hope you and Shiro get along... I hear he's whiny." Evan said as he
force-opened the fridge and force-got himself a beer. "One more, he muttered under his breath... I
think that's how it works." He shook his head. "Should have seen this coming."
"What was that?" Mee'Yaow asked, straining to hear.
"Nothing, don't worry about it. Anything else you want?" Evan asked, crossing his arms all
Genie-like.
"Um... I dunno... get me a beer?" Mee'Yaow asked cautiously.
Evan handed her his beer. "Your wish is my command." He said.
"Really?" She asked, carefully taking the beer.
"Not any more... your three are up woman." Evan said cheerfully.
"Huh?"
"Nevermind." Evan said as he sat down and started watching more movies.
***************
Josh and Ranko returned to the Apartment where Mee'Yaow and Evan were arguing. "Why
didn't you tell me!?" Mee'Yaow screamed at Evan as she threw some whiney guy named Shiro at
him.
"Didn't seem important." Evan shriugged.
Mee'Yaow screamed picked up Shiro and started using him like a club on Evan. "If you had
warned me I wouldn't BE HALF MARRIED TO THIS RANDOM WHINEY JAPANER
PUKE!"
"Mreeeeeeeh!" Shiro cried. "I don't want to be a clubbing device!" He whined.
"Let me guess." Josh asked as Evan swiftly dodged the embodiment of whininess. "You didn't
tell her that you were part Genie after watching Alladin and then she made three poorly thought
out, if thought out at all, wishes right?" Josh continued.
Evan gave a thumbs up and continued dodging. "Yeah and now I'm sharing marital duties with
Shiro. He said as he plucked Shiro out of the air and held him up for Joshes inspection.
Josh looked the fellow up and down. "Looks kind of whiney." He then turned to Mee'Yaow.
"You could do better."
"I want my mommyyyy! Mreeeeh!" Shiro whined.
"Yeah." Evan nodded. "But I've got it under control somewhat. At first anyone who wished
would get their wish, up to three, but now I can decide to grant or not."
"Could have worked on that earlier!" Mee'Yaow screamed.
"Whatever, I'm not married to you today, I don't have to put up with your crap." Evan added
flippantly to his half ex-wife.
"So do you want me to wish for your spaceship for you?" josh asked Evan.
Evan glared at him. "You don't get no wishes fool."
Josh looked perplexed and annoyed at the same time. "What the HELL dude!?" Josh yelled.
"Don't you want that spaceship!?" He asked.
"You'd probably wish a big floppy homo dick on the front of it or something cause you're gay!"
Evan said crossing his arms. "I don't grant homo wishes." He chuckled to himself. "Silly homo."
"I should kill you." Josh stated rather unamusedly.
"You'll WISH you hadn't!" Evan said bursting with laughter.
Josh then punched Shiro in the face, sending him ragdolling towards Evan, who was struck full
force in the forehead by Shiros crotch.
Shiro felt the pain that Evan didn't.
Evan slid back by the force of the Shiro, holding his head block steady and strong. As soon as
Evan and shiro came to a stop, Mee'Yaow tripped Evan from behind and boot stomped his
crotch.
"Where did you get those boots!?" Evan whimpered.
Mee'Yaow sniffed in disdain and started walking away. "I wished for them. Jerk!" She then
slammed the door to the apartment as she left.
Evan regained composure. "No she didn't... I would know." He said as he hucked Shiro out the
window.
"MREEEeeeeeennn n n n ch..." Shiro whined as he left the building.
"I hate that guy." Evan muttered as he sat down on the couch. "So... what's new with you guys?"
"Not much." Josh stated as he sat down on the couch beside Evan, Ranko sat down next to him
and Josh put his arm around her. "Just went shopping for parts for the spaceship that I'm going to
be making."
"The ga..."
"The NOT gay spaceship." Josh said, cutting off Evan as fast as he could. Josh then force pressed
the power button on the T.V.
The channel that it came up on was the Japan national only news channel on T.V.. The reporter
was standing beside a largely destroyed portion of Tokyo. with a giant monster of fat and blubber
and awful pedoness destroying and devouring other sections of the city behind her.
"Herro. Dis is Masuhiko Sakurakoko. Ah ama hele ata tuukyo squa, whele a giantu monsotoro
isu bureakuingu thea shity."
Josh changed the channel before he even noticed Mark Malow in the T.V. He turned it to some
aweful anime with bad engrish dubbing.
The character on the screen was sone Japanese scientist. He was talking to a group of his scientist
coleagues. "Herro correagues. Me am Masuka Sakurai. Ah havu jastu larnedu thatu Gojira, a
gianto monosotoro isu bureakuingu thea shity."
One of the other scientists suddenly stood up went wide eyed and screamed. "Regenerator G-1"
TBC
Author's notes: {Holy shit. I... I just had to end the chapter there. I just could not top that. Not at
all. In my life. Regenerator G-1... I mean come on! No. No more on this chapter. That's it. We'll
start another chapter when we stop laughing. Well. 57.... We're going pretty good with SI. We'll
be at the final chapter of number 100 in no time eh? That's all from me. I need to hand this off to
Evan. Good night.}
(wow... Godzilla 2000 for the win. The mental picture is the best mental picture I can ever have
ever... I'm going to like be at my marriage or something and in the middle of walking down the
aisle the image will hit me and I'll be like... "sorry... to funny.. can't do this today." Like that... it's
that funny. FOR SERIOUS!)
Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com
Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com