Self Insertion

Chapter 58

I'm randomly looking around my room so I'm going to call this chapter

Clock Zombies Teenage Pillow Door Sweater Sticker Book

Evan walked up to Josh in the apartment. Josh was currently working on some electronics in the

apartments wall. "Whatcha working on?" Evan asked.

"The flux capacitor." Josh responded.

"Oh." Evan said, not really getting what he was talking about since losing all his tech knowledge. "K."

he said.

Josh then wiped his hands and then turned to Evan. "Hey, have you seen my Mega condenser?"

Evan lowered his beer and looked confused. "What?"

Josh berated himself. "Hm, I must be saying that too fast. Have you seen, my mega condenser?"

"Ya lost me." Evan replied.

"I'm still saying it too fast." Josh muttered under his breath. Evan took another sip of his beer, still

staring at Josh.

"Evan." Josh began. "Have. you seen. My. Mega condenser?"

Evan shook his head. "Not since yesterday."

Josh looked thoughtful for a moment. "Hmm... We have to find the mega condenser."

Evan shrugged. "Why don't we put up posters around town?" Evan asked.

Josh shrugged. "Couldn't hurt. I've been carrying that thing all over the place with me today. It could be anywhere in Tokyo." Josh replied.

"Right then." Evan nodded. "Let me just get my travelling beers and I'll head out with you."

Josh nodded. "Cool."

***************

As Evan and Josh were walking down the street Evan was looking at a map. "Dude." Evan started. "We are so lost."

Josh then looked over Evan's shoulder at the map. and points at a spot. "We were here right? So if we

go straight down here and take a right at Mamokokotokomomachi street we should get to that shop

stand that that lady said she saw the mega condenser at."

Evan looked confused and turned the map around. "Are you sure? I thought it was

mahokomorotomokodomo street." Evan stated.

Josh then grabbed the map and turned it around a few times. "Fuck we're lost."

Evan looked around confusedly. "Should we ask for directions?" Evan asked.

Josh then pointed over to a small group of obvious foreigners who are obviously only just visiting

Japan for the first time and started walking towards them. "Lets ask them."

Evan nodded. "Okay."

"Hi." Josh said the the trio of foreigners. "We're a little lost. Think you could give us directions?"

****************

Evan and Mee’Yaow sat awkwardly on the couch in the apartment, the T.V. turned off, and a

counsellor sitting on a chair in front of them. The counsellor folded his hands effemenately and said.

“Now, I don’t normally do house calls, but you two seem to be in deep trouble with your relationship...

plus it’s not everyday that you get to see a real live cat girl. Mreeeaow.” He said, doing the cat paw

motion.

Evan then burst into laughter and started pointing at the marriage councellor. “BWAAA HA HA HA

AAA!! You smoke pole! MREH HNEH HNEEEE!”

Mee’Yaow punched Evan hard in the arm. “Stop it Evan! We need to get this settled somehow!”

Shirow who was sitting on the other side of Evan nodded. “Yeah! You never listen! Mreeeeh!”

“I told you not to say a word!” Mee’Yaow said, pointing a finger at Shirow with one hand and a

butcher knife with the other.

“Mreeeeeeeeeh Mneh.” Shirow whined as he shrank back into the couch.

Mee’Yaow sat down again and smoothed her hair back that was standing on end. The gay councellor

looked intrigued and then spoke. “So what seems to be the problem with your relationship right now.

“Well...” Mee’Yaow Started.

Evan then leapt off the couch, started making motions from his crotch outward dramatically while

screaming: “BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!”

Mee’Yaow took a hammer from behind her and threw it at the T.V. breaking it. Evan stared in horror

as it fritzed out. “YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!”

Evan sat down looking smug then suddenly shot a look top the councellor and mouthed ‘blood blood

blood’

“So I see there are some anger issues that need to be dealt with...” He said, mostly to himself.

At that Evan stood back up and walked over to the councellor. “I! AM NOT! ANGRY!!!” He yelled as

angrily as he could before kicking the councellor in the shin. “BITCH PLEASE!!!” He hollered before

he went back to the couch and sat down as if nothing had happened.

“WHAT THE HELL!” The fag councellor screamed. “Why did you do that?” He questioned.

“What the fuck are you talking about cock-smoker?” Evan asked non-chalantly.

“I resent that remark!” The fop yelled.

“Resemble is more like. WIN!” Evan yelled, shooting his hands in the air triumphantly.

“THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!” Mee’Yaow cried out. “He doesn’t take anything

seriously and now because of him I’m married to this whiny bitch!”

“Mhreeeeeeeeeen” Shiro interjected before Mee’Yaow slapped him.

“I can’t take this shit anymore!” Mee’Yaow said as she got up as if to leave the room.

“Don’t go cat girl.” The councellor with a cock appreciation said passively.

“Fuck you queer.” Mee’Yaow retorted wittily.

“Serves you right.” Evan said to no-one in particular.

“What?” Mee’Yaow said, turning around looking angry.

“Huh?” Evan asked.

“Serves who right?” Mee’Yaow asked, as she moved closer to Evan.

“The shit are you talking about?”

“You said ‘Serves you right’. Were you talking to me or faggy mcfagfag over here?” Mee’Yaow

queeried.

“Hey I resent...”

“RESEMBLE!” Evan interjected, silencing the homo.

“Answer me.” Mee’Yaow stated venomously.

“HAPAW!!” Evan yelled as he force-threw Shiro at the councellor.

Mee’Yao was un-phased. “Answer me.” She said, more darkly than before.

Evan stood up and looked Mee’Yaow in the eyes. “GOTCH YER NOSE!” He yelled as he grabbed at

Mee’Yaow’s face and promptly ran out of the room to parts unknown.

‘What the fuck...” Mee’Yaow wondered outloud.

*****************

Josh sighed as he came out of the café that he and the tourists had sat down to take a drink and discuss

geography. “Man.” He said out loud to himself as the tourists took off to parts unknown. “Where the

hell did Evan go?” He wondered. “He left to take a piss like three hours ago.”

Just then Evan came up behind him. “Dude. What’s up?” He asked.

Josh looked confused. “Dude, where’ve you been?”

Evan shrugged. “Marriage counciling thing with Meow.”

“You mean Mee’Yaow.” Josh corrected.

“Evan shruged. Whatever.” Evan replied with a shrug.

“Why did you just say that?” Josh asked.

“What?” Evan enquired.

“You just narrated the fact that you just shrugged.” Josh replied.

Evan just shrugged again. “Right. Well I was just over there inside the apartment and Meow was

waiting for me with some faggy marriage councellor guy. Had a talk, everything’s better now.” Evan

said with a smile.

Josh looked at Evan with an unconvinced raised eyebrow. “Right, well, obviously I’m not going to find

my Mega Condensor so I guess I’ll just make a new one. You have a toaster and a banana peel right?”

He asked.

Evan nodded slowly... “So... you could have just made another one out of the toaster and a banana peel

and instead dragged me all around tokyo, like in a circle... to find the one you lost?”

Josh shrugged. “Yeah so? I didn’t wanna make it again.”

“You’re such a douche.” Evan said before continuing on his walk to wherever the hell he was going.

Josh shrugged and entered the apartment to continue working on the spaceship.

***************

1 month later

Josh sat in the living room seemingly fixing the T.V., Mee’Yaow sitting on the couch behind him with

Shirow, with at least a meter between them. “Hurry up.” Mee’Yaow said. “It’s almost on.”

Josh glared at her. “Give me a break! This is delicate work, I’m almost done.”

Just then Evan came back. “HEY GUYS! I’m back from wherever the hell I’ve been up until this

point!”

Mee’Yaow then jumped off of the couch and latched onto Evan. “EVAN!” She screamed, genuinly

excited to see him. “Where have you been this past month!?” she demanded.

Evan shrugged. “I already told you, wherever the hell I’ve been up to this point. Don’t you listen

woman?” He asked.

Mee’Yaow shrugged it off and just continued hugging him. Evan looked confused at this. “So... you’re

not mad at me?”

Mee’Yaow laughed. “Are you kidding? After being married to this whiney bitch for a month I can’t

wait for the divorce papers to go through so that it’s just you and me again.”

Evan nodded. “Makes sense.”

“MREEEEEEEEH!” Shirow whined.

Evan then force pushed him out of the window.

This time he went splat and died.

“OH MY GOD THAT MAN JUST FELL OUT OF THAT WINDOW AND DIED!!!” Some lady

randomly yelled from below.

“AND HE WENT SPLAT TOO!” Some guy said.

Mee’Yaow looked shocked and aghast for a moment before shrugging it off and chuckling. “Y’know

I’d normally berate you for killing someone, but That time, I was glad you did.” She said.

“Me too.” Josh said.

“Me too. Mreeeeeh!” Shirows visiting for the weekend twin brother said whinily before Josh force

pushed him out the same window making him go just as splat as the last of the whiney mans.

“OH MY GOD ANOTHER MAN HAS FALLEN OUT OF THAT VERY SAME WINDOW AS THE

MAN WHO FELL OUT NOT THREE MINUTES AGO AND DIED!!!”

“AND HE ALSO WENT SPLAT!!” Some guy said.

“Damn peanut gallery.” Evan muttered as he closed the window.

Just then Josh closed up the front panel on the T.V. “There. That aughta do it.” he said. He then walked

over to the couch, picking up the remote off the new coffee table on the way and sat down.

He then turned it on.

The house then started to shake. Walls started moving, floor panels shifted, ceilings collapsed revealing

machinery of all various sorts. “You guys should sit on the couch, just in case.” Josh said. Evan and

Mee’Yaow complied. Mee’Yaow, out of fear and confusion, Evan out of Evanness I guess, or

something.

“What the hells going on!?” Mee’Yaow demanded of josh as the whole building started to shift and do

crazy stuffs. “I thought you were just fixing the T.V. so I could watch Gilumoro Guruloso!”

“Aw hell no!” Josh said. “I was turning it into a control station for my fully operational transforming

spaceship. I have to go find a DVD.” He said casually as the TV remote also started to tranform into a

much more complex looking controller.

“YOU NEED TO TURN THE FUCKING HOUSE INTO A SPACESHIP TO GET A DVD!?!?”

Josh looked at her dumbly. “Well... yeah. It’s in space.” He then turned away from her. “Duh.”

Evan looked around in confusion. “Man. How did you finish this so fast?” He asked.

“I don’t get distracted easily, I don’t get drunk while doing it, I’m not lazy.” Josh replied without

batting an eye.

“Good point.” Evan concurred.

“You gotta be impressed by this.” Josh said, admiring his own work.

“Yeah, I mean.. The whole fucking apartment... good job.” Evan commended.

“I know.” Josh said, casually flipping up his non-existant collar.

“So um... space ship... wow.. I go away for a bit and look what happens.” Evan said as he looked

around at the changing apartment.

“All this because Evan won’t allow you to wish for your stupid DVD.” Mee’Yaow muttered.

Evan glared at her. “Shut up woman... I won’t allow him one wish cause then he’ll get two more and

they’ll be super gay! You don’t know Josh like I do... oh god the gayness.”

Ranko looked confused. “He can’t be gay... he and I have a lot of sex.”

“Yeah but you are half dude... I bet he sticks it in your brown hole a bunch.” Evan said, sounding sure

of himself.

“Shut the fuck up.” Josh said angrily. “I am not gay!”

“Spoken like a true flamer.” Evan said, tsking slightly.

“I will jettison you!” Josh threatened.

“OUT THE GODDAMN AIRLOCK!!” Evan screamed, a repressed memory coming back to him.

Josh looked confused at that, having heard it several times now since their mission to outer space

before with the Jedis. He then turned to Ranko and asked. “How the helled you get in? Once the

transformation begins the apartment doesn’t let anyone inside.”

Ranko looked confused. “Yeah about that. I was coming to get you for our date, and then all the walls

started shifting, then I was sucked through a big tube...”

“The internet?” Evan asked, amazed.

“No.” Ranko said. “Just a tube coming from the wall. It sucked me up, and then spit me out in the room

here. What’s going on?” She asked.

Josh shrugged. “We have to get something from space so I build a spaceship. Our date’ll have to wait

for a bit.”

Ranko shrugged. “So what are we looking for?” She asked, sitting down on the couch next to josh just

as a large control console started coming up from the floor in front of them.

“Oh nothing big.” Josh said, avoiding the subject.

“We’re looking for a DV...WHOULPFF AAA ow.” Evan said as Josh puched him in the nuts

retardedly hard.

“Just this little thing.” Josh said. “But it’s kinda important for uh... one of my inventions.” He then

looked around all shifty eyed for a moment. “Yeah.”

Ranko took it at face value. “Okay. So is this trip going to take long?”

Josh shrugged. “Couple years probably. We’re looking for an item no bigger than a goosebumps book

in the infinite mass of space. I’d give it three.”

Ranko looked worried for somereason all of a sudden. “Is there a dojo on this ship?” She asked.

Josh shook his head. “Nope.”

Ranko bigsweated. “Ranmas going to be pissed.” She said.

Josh chuckled. “Not to worry my dear. I’ve taken into account the possibility that you would join us

and there is no hot water in any place on this ship.”

Ranko just looked even more worried. “So we’ll be out here for three years or so... and Ranma won’t

see the light of day for all that time?” She asked.

“Yup.”

“So when we get back and I do change into him everyone’s going to be three years or more older

including him, and he’ll not have experienced any of those times?”

“That’s right.”

“And you’re not scared?” She asked.

Josh shook his head. Evan did the same and smiled. “No stupid cause that’s what this whole mission’s

about.”

“What?” Ranko asked.

Josh judo chopped Evan in the throat as hard as humanly possible. “KIA!”

“BLORPH!” Evan rasped as he leaned forward and started writhing on the floor.

Ranko looked at the sweating Josh suspiciously. And gave a tentative nod. “Okaaaay. I guess I’ll put

my trust in you.” She said tentatively.

Josh nodded and connected the TV remote to the console. “Right then. Here we go!”

Josh then pressed the ignition button and blasted off into outer space, the Residents of Japan looked on

in wonder and confusion as a apartment building launched itself into the stratosphere and beyond.

The people who were in the immediate viscinity of the ship were vaporized.

*****************

9 months later

Jesus, Uwe Boll, Khaphat man, and Pantsman were camped out in Japan’s National Only Stadium Ever

eating pork and beans for the millionth night in a row. “What the shiteth?” Jesus asked to no one in

particular.

“I know.” Pantsman said without emotion.

“Shouldn’t WE give UP!!?!!” Khaphat man wondered outloud.

“We can’t.” Jesus stated. “We musteth completeth our mission... eth.”

“But I DON’T want TOO!!” Khaphat man declared. “I don’t CARE about their POWERS anymore.”

He then moaned aloud. “WE can’t go ON eating PORK and BEANS!!!”

“I’ve already made 50 movies about this, each one more straight to DVDier than the last.” Uwe Boll

pitched in.

“You SHUT the fuck UP Uwe BOLL!!” Khaphat man yelled.

“Making a movie of that too.” Uwe Boll muttered dejectedly. “Probably more entertaining than

anything Micheal Bay could create.”

“Mr. Bay actually produceseth some goodeth movies...eth.” Jesus said in between mouthfuls of pork

and beans.

“I’m so lonely.” Uwe Boll said as he curled up in a ball (and/of cock).

*******************

8 months ago.

“So glad we left Earth.” Evan said as he relaxed in his space-chair and drank a space-beer. “Everything

is more exciting in space.”

“But in space, no body can...” Mee’Yaow started.

“Shut the hell up.” Evan said, cutting her off.

“But...”

“OUT THE GOD DAMN AIRLOCK!” Evan yelled, punching randomly about the space-room.

“Um... maybe I should get you a space-pillow or something and let you space-relax.” Mee’Yaow said,

looking for a reason to leave the space-room.

“Fine, whatever. I’m just going to keep watching shitty space-t.v. and sit in this space-chair till we get

that stupid DVD.” said Evan

“Don’t you mean space-DVD?” Mee’Yaow asked.

“No, it originally came from earth, therefore it is a standard DVD.” Evan corrected.

“But that chair originally came from earth...” Mee’Yaow began.

“Shut your space-hole!” Evan yelled, throwing his space-bottle filled with space-beer at Mee’Yaow.

“I hate space!” Mee’Yaow hollered as she ran out of the room.

“YOU MEAN YOU SPACE-HATE SPACE!!” Evan space-screamed back.

“MHREEEENN” Mee’Yaow whined as she continued space-running.

“SOUND LIKE YOUR EX-HUSBAND RUBBED OFF ON YOU SPACE-WHORE!!” Evan screamed

louder.

“Um... I’m going to leave.” Ranko said, as she had been sitting there the whole space-time.

“Yeah ok.” Evan said space-non-chalantly.

******************

2 months later

“SPACE-LAND HO!” Poop-deck willy called out.

“Ar, good finding Space-Poop-deck Willy.” Evan said. “I am so glad we picked you up in quadrant 15

subspace C.”

“Ar, so am I sir, so am I.” Poop-deck Willy responded.

“Sadly, since your task of finding space-land in now complete. I must kill you.” Evan said as he patted

the knarled old man on his knarled old shoulder.

“I know sir... I know.” Poop-deck Willy said somberly.

Evan wiped a tear from his eye as he stabbed Poop-deck Willy through the gut with a space-rapier and

slammed it home to the hilt to make sure the job was done. “I’m so sorry.”

“Gur... gurp.” Poop-deck Willy responded.

“I know... I know.” Evan said as he laid the man down on the space-deck and took his rapier out of the

man’s gut. “WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!?!?!?” Evan screamed in agony. “WH...

HYYYYYYYYYY!!?!?!!” He then composed himself, wiped his blade off on the dead man’s clothes

and walked off into the mural of a sunset he had painted for this occasion.

Just then Josh walked into the space-room. “What the fuck!? Why is there an old dead dude on the

floor by the observation window!?”

Evan turned around just before he reached the wall with the sunset mural. “Fuck if I know.” He said

simply.

“Why is there a sunset mural on that wall?”

Evan merely shrugged.

“Dude?”

“I don’t know... Poop-deck Willy was like that when I found him here... like.. I dunno... twenty

minutes ago.” Evan said casually throwing the rapier off into the corner.

“Why did you have a rapier?” Josh asked, crossing his arms.

“To... umm... rapier things? Totally not for killing Poop-deck Willy. I can tell you that for damn sure.”

Evan said as he walked over to the rapier and slowly nudged it with his toe under a desk.

“I saw you hide that... I mean... I just asked you why you had it... putting it under a desk doesn’t

change that.” Josh stated, beginning to sound annoyed.

“It might.” Evan said, nudging the rapier further.

“You are still kicking at it... that is just drawing more attention to it you know.”

“I know.” Evan said, continuing to nudge the rapier till it went out the other side of the desk.

“Now it’s not even hidden... are you even trying?” Josh asked, sounding a bit exasperated.

“I dunno... I was for a bit there... but you know... stuff.”

“What?” Josh asked.

“Just trust it.” Evan replied.

“No.”

“Please?”

“NO.”

“Aww..”

With that Evan walked out of the room.

“What the fuck?” Josh asked after him, getting a retreating shrug from Evan as a response. “What am I

supposed to do with this body?” Josh asked himself.

“OUT THE GOD DAMN AIRLOCK!” Came a reply from down the hall.

*********

Josh washed his hands of the blood and Ranko entered the bathroom moments later. “We’re going to

have to stop off soon to get more food and supplies.” Ranko said. We’re on our last Peruvian Clam

provisions.”

Josh nodded. “Yeah there’s another planet coming up. We’ll stop there. I also need to see if I can’t get

some raw materials for the Ion drive. It’s acting up a little bit. Hopefully this planet has some fairly

developed race that we can get good stuff from. I don’t think we can make it to another planet without

those materials.”

“Ah. I see.” Ranko said. “So how are we ever going to find this DVD book like thing?”

Josh looked confused as he started drying his hands off. “You’re only wondering about that now?”

Ranko gave him a dirty look, one of those: “Don’t push it mister or I’ll deny you sex for a little while

until you beg for it.” looks.

Josh chuckled and continued. “I have some advanced scanners on the ship. It knows exactly what it’s

looking for and can pick it up for lightyears ahead of us.”

Ranko looked questioningly at him. “You didn’t include scanners that scan in the opposite direction

that we’re going?” She asked.

Josh pshawed at that idea. “Pffft. Of course not. It was in space last we saw it it probably caught on a

passing comet or meteor or asteroid or something and drifted far out into space in this exact direction.

We’re good.”

Ranko looked sceptical but nodded. “Okay I’ll trust you on that one. After all you were the one to build

a transforming spaceship. I’m sure you’re smart enough to figure this out.”

With that Ranko gave Josh a quick peck on the cheek and left for their space-bedquarters.

Josh bigsweated as soon as she left the bathroom. “Fuck! I should have thought of that!” He said out

loud to himself. He then shrugged. “Ah whatever. We’ll find it on our way back if we don’t find it

within these 3 years.”

Josh then left the bathroom.

TBC

***************

Author’s Note: {Well there’s chapter 58. Moving on to 59. The next chapter will be highly Monster

Hunter(The game) influenced. Mostly cause me and Evan are playing a buttload of Monster Hunter

Freedom on PSP. So awesome.}

(Poopdeck Willy, how I will miss thee.)

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

Evan McNeely: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

http://rippoopdeckwilly-memorialsite.com the movie