Self Insertion

Chapter 59

Your First Monster Hunt: Attack of the Velociprey

“Oh shit!” Josh said as he grabbed at the controls of the ship. “We gotta land bad.” He said.

“Cool.” Evan said. “I’m getting hungry.”

“No not cool.” Josh said. “One of the Ion thruster just broke. There’s no telling how long we’ll be on that planet now, we could be there years depending on how difficult it is to get the proper materials. And if I can only get raw materials it’ll take a butt load of time to make the parts.”

“Oh.” Evan said. “So... vacation for us, fuck ton of work for you. Sound sweet to me.”

Josh sighed and slumped his shoulders. “Boy I hope this doesn’t suck as much as I think it’s going to.”

The ship then went down onto the planet below.

*************

The form of the large dragon loomed over Exetar as he touched a button on the side of his lance, extending it to the full eight foot size. “This is going to be tough.” He said to his compatriot.

Inuk frowned. “Lao-Shun has never made it this far before.” He said as he propped his massive sword on his shoulder, being careful not to displace his armor.

“Yeah, lucky we got here in time.” Exetar responded readying his tower shield.

“Yeah.” Inuk muttered absentmindedly. “What the hell is that?” He said, lifting his sword with ease and pointing to the sky.

“What the hell? Looks like some kinda meteor or something...” Exetar said squinting to avoid the glare of the object as it burned its way to the ground.

“Looks like it’s kinda headed this way.” Inuk said, sounding a bit worried.

“Yeah... we should maybe move...” Exetar said worriedly.

“Ok.” Inuk hastily responded.

With that the pair rushed away from the oncoming dragon and the strange meteor in the sky.

************

“Um... just wondering...” Mee’Yaow started. “What if this planet has no air?”

Evan glared at her venomously. “That’s stupid. All planets have air dumbass.”

“But... what about Mars...” Mee’Yaow timidly replied.

“You shut the hell up! Mars is a lie!” Evan yelled as their spaceship hurtled towards the new planet.

“But... I watched this show on it...” said Mee’Yaow.

“Guys, mind shutting up.” Josh said, seeming to be focused on something else. “From what the scanners are saying there are some pretty big lifeforms here... so air is probably not an issue.”

“Well what’s shutting up got to do with that?” Evan asked. “We should be able to argue all the time. IT’S OUR RIGHT AS AMERICANS!”

“Canadian” Ranma interupted.

Evan responded with a very menacing pointed index finger in her direction accompanied by a very angry glare.

“Actually” Josh said. “I need to concentrate on this landing cause if something hits us before we land, or if I don’t land properly, we’ll explode... an Io-Nucler Explosion.”

“That bad?”

“It’ll kill us and all life on this side of the planet.” Josh said curtly.

“I could live with that.” Evan said smugly.

“No you couldn’t.... you’d be dead.” Josh said simply.

“Oh... huh... never thought of that...” said Evan.

“Yeah... didn’t think you did.” remarked Josh as he attempted to bring the ship under control to land it.

“What’s that?” Mee’Yaow asked pointing at the view-screen.

“Um... I don’t know.” Josh said, staring at the form on the screen. “Looks like some kinda dragon or something.”

“IT’S COMING RIGHT FOR US!!” Evan yelled as he grabbed Mee’Yaow and shook her violently. “IT’S!! COMING!! RIGHT!!! FOR!!! US!!!”

“Actually, we are coming right for it.” Josh said trying to pull up on the controls.

THUNK!

“I think we hit it.” Evan stated as he stopped giving Mee’Yaow a late case of shaken baby syndrome.

“Yeah... and we’re ok... so far.” Josh said, sounding both confused and relieved as he started typing things into the computer console.

“Aww... I wanted to be a part of a Iomatic Nuclear hexplosion.” Evan said, sounding dejected.

“Actually it just knocked off the mega condensor. Now we can’t explode.” He said, looking up some diagnostics. “Unfortunately without the mega condensor we also can’t take off from this planet.” He finished, closing up the computer terminal.

Ranko gasped, Evan stood up in a very epic and superhero like maneuver. Mee’Yaow shrugged.

“WE HAVE TO FIND THE MEGA CONDENSOR!!” Evan yelled.

Evan blinked as he realized that everyone was looking at him. He then took a deep breath. “I SAID! We have to...”

POINK!

Mee’Yaow kicked Evan in the balls and started dragging him out of the cockpit. “Again with the boots!” Evan screamed as he was dragged off. “Where do you keep getting these boots!?”

Josh smiled as he realized the colossal distraction that is Evan was finally gone. “Finally.” He muttered as he got back to piloting the ship.

************

Exetar and Inuk stared in bewilderment as the meteor that they had spotted started to turn in mid air. “Exetar my compatriot.” Inuk started.

“Yeah...” Exetar asked. Still mesmerized by the glowing ball of fire in the distance headed for the mountains in the distance.

“You should move.” Inuk added as he started running.

“Huh?” Exetar said as he looked up, only to see that Lao-Shan was falling over... right towards them. “Oh...”

Exetar then joined Inuk in running.

*************

“There we go.” Josh said as he landed the ship in a conveniently large clearing. “Nice and smooth.”

Just then the ship landed hard and jerky. Josh then powered down the ship, turning it back into it’s apartment building mode. Josh then stretched, got off of the couch and left to find the others.

************

“So where are we now?” Evan asked as he looked around.

Josh shrugged. “Some random planet.” He offered weakly.

“Lotsa forests... and hills.” Evan said distractedly. “Looks like lotsa raptors and crap.” He said pointing off at a bush where something had just disappeared into the foliage.

“Raptors?” Mee’Yaow asked, sounding scared. “Like the dinosaur?”

“No like the bunny... of course the dinosaur retard.” Evan said, lightly slapping his head in mockery of the cat-girl. “Fuck you are dumb sometimes... don’t even know why I have sex with you.”

With that Mee’Yaow ran back into the spaceship crying.

“Nice.” Josh commented, watching the raptor bush.

“Thanks.” Evan replied, taking the sarcastic remark as a compliment.

“I was being sarcastic.”

“I know.” Evan said wandering towards the bush. “Anywho I’ma go kill me some raptors. I’m hungry.”

“You are going to eat a raptor?” Ranko asked.

“Yeah... why?” Evan asked over his shoulder.

“Well maybe raptor meat isn’t good for people...” Ranko suggested.

“One way to find out. Hold the fort and watch whiny vagoo-face back in the ship.. She may start throwing things around all mopey like.” Evan said as he cracked his knuckles and wandered off into the brush.

“Shouldn’t you go with him?” Ranko said to Josh. “He might die.”

“Nah, he’ll be fine.” Josh said with a shrug as he turned to go back into the ship. “Sides, I got work to do... need to figure out how much of the ship can be compromised.”

*********

A short while later.

“Stomping randomly through the brush is hot work.” Evan complained to himself as he knocked some especially large foliage out of his way with a random hip high bone he had found. “I should have brought a drink or something.”

All of a sudden one of the bushes rustled violently to his left.

“The fuck.” Evan mumbled, readying his improvised bone club. “I’m going to kill whatever is in that bush.” He said happily.

“Merrow?” Came the reply from the bush.

Evan dropped his club to his side. “Mee’Yaow?”

“Merrrooow.”

“Mee’Yaow?” Evan replied, sounding agitated.

“Merrrrrrrrrrrooooooowww.”

“Are you in heat?”

Suddenly from the bush burst a small cat standing on it’s hind legs and carrying a stick with a big plushy looking paw on the top.

“ABOMINATION!!” Evan screamed as he swiftly beat the thing in it’s face with the club sending it flying backwards and spinning around.

“RRRAOW!!” The thing cried in pain as it quickly regained footing and started to burrow into the ground.

“NO YOU DON’T DINNER KITTY!!” Evan yelled as he lunged for the thing swinging his club wildly.

“Rrrrraow.” The cat-thing responded as it eluded Evan’s club and fully immersed itself into the ground and disappeared.

“Fuck...” Evan muttered as he stood up and dusted himself off. “Almost had kitty din dins.”

“Warrak?” Came a reply from behind him.

“Warrak?” Evan said to himself as he turned around, revealing a large featherless chicken beast. Evan gaped. “The fuck is this shit?”

“WARRRAK!!” The chicken beast replied stomping the ground as it jumped up and down and fluffing out it’s ears. The pink scaly beast then quickly turned and lashed out with it’s tail, catching the surprised Evan off guard and sending him hurtling through the brush.

“Shiiiiiit!” yelled Evan as he flew.

“WARRRAK!!” The Chicken beast screamed as it vomited some fire in front of it for no reason.

Evan rolled as he hit the ground and regained his footing. “Chicken beast must DIIIIEE!!” He hollered as he immediately started running towards the beast, club in hand.

Just as Evan reached the creature and brought his club to bear the creature spun around again, sending Evan flying off in the opposite direction as the thing’s tail impacted with Evan’s back.

“Fuuuuuuuck!” Evan yelled as he was launched through the air.

Rolling again as he landed Evan attempted the same tactic, rushing forward with his club back and ready to strike. This time he was ready for the thing’s lashing tail and ducked underneath the attack and responded with a club shot to where it’s genitalia should be.

“WAAAAARRRAAAKK!!” the creature yelled in obvious pain.

“Gotcha good did I?” Evan asked as he swung again and connected with the genital area eliciting the same response as before.

Evan brought his club to bear for the third nut shot but was stopped as the creature jumped and stomped the ground, flapping it’s membrane-covered wings and sending a rush of air at Evan that knocked him off his feet and into the path of one of the hopping feet. Evan swiftly recovered himself and rolled narrowly out of the way of an oncoming chicken talon. Lashing out Evan caught the thing on the outside of the leg with his bone club hitting it with enough force to throw it off balance and cause it to topple over. Hitting the ground hard the thing began to thrash around in a mad attempt to gain purchase and in the process clawing Evan across the right cheek and knocking him back, buying the chicken-beast enough time to push itself back up using the wing that was trapped under it’s side.

“CHICKEN!!!” Evan roared as he blasted the thing into a tree with a force blast, splintering the tree and knocking the beast back on it’s side. “CHICKEN!!” He repeated as he brought his club down repeatedly on the creature’s head until the right eye burst under his attacks. “CHICKEN!!!” He screamed as he grabbed the beast’s throat and choked the last few breaths out of it’s lungs. “CHICKEN!!!!” He cried in triumph as he thrust his blood encrusted hands in the air and fell to his knees in a style much like that of the cover of the movie Platoon.

“Ima eat you.” Evan said to the corpse of the beast. “Ima eat you good.”

*************

A few hours later Evan arrived at the apartment/spaceship dragging the corpse of the chicken-beast. He was sweating profusely and still covered in some dried blood. “Bugs... size of cars...” He mumbled as he heaved his burden up against the wall of the ship. “DINNERS!!!” Evan called out to the residents of the apartment-ship.

Josh came out of the front door munching absent mindedly on a hotdog. “You just missed it.” He said between bites. “The fuck is this shit?” He said pointing to the dead chicken monster.

“Fucker tried to eat me... now I’m going to eat it.” Evan replied.

“Still doesn’t tell me what it is.” Josh responded, finishing his hotdog.

“The fuck should I know, I just killed it, never bothered to ask for it’s life story.” Evan said. “Now where the shit is a knife or something?”

“You are going to eat it without knowing what it is?” Josh asked, letting out a short burp.

“Yeah... looks like a big chicken... that’s probably what it is.”

“Ugliest chicken I ever saw... and it has no feathers... and it’s covered in scales.” Josh said, bringing his hand to his chin. “Unless you plucked it on the way here.”

“Fuck no... I just strangled the bitch.” Evan said crossing his arms and turning away slightly.

“You choked the chicken?” Josh asked, stifling a bit of a laugh.

“Yeah... wait... shut the fuck up!” Evan replied, starting to get a bit angry.

“I was here the whole time fixing shit and you were out choking the chicken?” Josh said, laughing audibly now.

“Fuck you!” Evan yelled storming past his friend and heading into the building looking for something to carve the chicken beast with.

************

Elsewhere.

“Umm... Inuk... that Kut-Ku was supposed to be around here somewhere... but we’ve looked just about everywhere and we still can’t find it.” Exetar complained.

“I know... maybe some other hunter got to it before hand.” Inuk replied as he pondered the situation.

“Can we just go back to the village and report that it’s gone... maybe the elder knows if someone else killed the stupid chicken-wyvern.” Exetar said resting on his lance.

Inuk shrugged. “Fine whatever. Shitty though... I wanted to get a beak... I need it for this hammer I’m building.”

“Kut-Ku hammer... ha. That would look dumb as hell.” Exetar laughed as the pair started to make their way back towards the village.

“Yeah but it’ll certainly help me out if any Rathalos attack the town. Besides I’ve never really cared about aesthetics.” Exetar said as they came out of the pathway they were walking.

As both of the monster hunters looked up they froze in their tracks and stared wide eyed. “Has that always been there?” Exetar asked.

“It wasn’t here yesterday when we were exterminating the Bullfango.” Inuk replied as they started walking again, towards what looked like a very strange building. “That looks like a pretty complex building.”

“Not even a whole village would be able to erect something of that scale in a single night.” Exetar said as he walked right up to the front of it and tapped on it with his knuckles. “And it looks like it’s made of metal mostly.”

“Look!” Inuk said, pointing just past the building. “It’s the Kut-Ku.”

Exetar readied his weapon but put it away as soon as he saw the corpse. “Holy... It’s been completely stripped of it’s flesh.”

“Yeah.” Evan said. Startling the both of them. “And just as I suspected it tastes like chicken.”

“My god!” Inuk exclaimed as he put his sword away. “How long have you been standing there?” He asked.

Evan shrugged. “Iunno. Hey, what’s with the armor?” He asked. Noticing that the both of them were wearing blue scaley armour.

Exetar spoke first. “We need it for protection. These hills are often visited by all sorts of monsters.”

Evan pointed towards the Kut-Ku. “Like the chicken lizard thing there?” He asked.

Exetar raised his eyebrows at that. “That’s a Kut-Ku sir... are you, not from around here? It’s a very common Wyvern.”

Evan laughed. “Oh man. You call that a Wyvern!? It’s barely a chicken! Bwa ha ha ha!” Evan then pointed into the sky at a Wyvern passing by. “Now that I could call a Wyvern more easily.”

Exetar and Inuk whirled around startled at what the foreigner was pointing at. “My god.” Exetar said. “It’s a Rathalos.”

“And it’s headed right for Kokoto village.” Inuk finished. “There’s no one there that could possibly defend against it!” He said excitedly.

“Shhhhhh!” Exetar said, covering Inuk’s mouth with his hand. “You don’t want it to hear us do you? Maybe it’ll pass the village by.”

“Think I can hit it with this rock?” Evan said. Holding up a simple stone.

Exetar and Inuk looked back at their strange discovery who was wiggling his eyebrows at the moment while tossing the stone up and down.

“Fifty bucks I hit it right in the nuts.” Evan said before gearing back and hurling the stone, ignoring the two hunters pleas.

Exetar and Inuk watched as the stone sailed seemingly in slow motion towards the Rathalos and then hit it, right in the eye, stunning it, and sending it spiraling down towards the ground.

Before it hit the ground, it readjusted itself mid-flight and began hovering as it eyed Evan with angry eyes. Exetar and Inuk unsheathed their weapons again and prepared for the fight of their life as the Rathalos charged them from the air.

“ROAAAAAR!” SMASH! The Rathalos landed heavily on the ground sliding a little bit from its momentum and kicking up a great deal of dirt and rock. Its head whipped back and forth frantically as if searching as its pupils dilated and expended and its mouth frothed. It looked at Evan, then Inuk, and Exetar and back again.

Josh just then came out of the aparto-ship and looked up at the monster. “What’s going on? Another one?”

The Rathalos whipped its head towards Josh and then towards the building. It roared again, shaking it’s head in a rage and scraping a claw along the ground before charging frantically towards the buildings wall.

The giant wyvern slammed against the wall and wailed as it did no damage to it. It scratched it with a claw, slammed it’s body into it again and then let off a giant fireball at it while flapping it’s wings once sending it backwards all in short succession.

The wyvern screamed in rage and frustration and then attacked the building again and again and again, completely ignoring the people around. “Hmmmm.” Josh said, crossing his arms and putting a finger on his chin. “It seems to be attracted here by the ship... or something in the ship anyway.”

Evan walked over to Josh. “So what is it?” He asked.

Josh frowned slightly. “Not sure, could be anything.” Josh then gasped.

Everyone looked over at the attacking Rathalos as a crack in the buildings wall started to appear. Josh then got into a ready stance. “Shit. That thing’s pretty strong! At the rate he’s going he might actually do some real damage with time.”

Ranko just then exited the building. “Josh what’s all that banging! I told you I was trying to take a nap!” She said angrily as she wiped at her eyes.

“Never mind that right now sweetheart. I’ve got business to take care of.” Josh responded as he got ready to charge the beast. He then looked over at Evan. “Evan?”

Evan nodded and then they both charged the Rathalos.

Inuk looked to his partner and they both nodded to each other. Before they could run in to join the two martial artist force weilders the Rathalos fell at their feet. It gurgled once and then it’s head fell, dead. Evan and Josh then burst forth out of the Rathalos back, covered in gore and not a scratch on them.

Inuk and Exetar stared in amazement and dropped their weapons in shock. “They...” Inuk started. “They just...”

Exetar took a step back. “They just killed a Rathalos BARE HANDED!” He screamed.

“FUCK YEAH WE DID!” Evan yells as he stepped forward and tore the Rathalos head right off of it’s neck with only a little effort. “RAAARGH! I’M PREDATOR! I CLAIM THIS AS MY TROPHY!”

Josh stepped out of the man made orifice in the Rathalos’ back and walked to Ranko, wiping some Rathalos guts off his face and flicking it away. “Guess I’m going to need a bath now.” He then turned back to Evan. “Hey. Do me a favour and bring me in a few samples. Scales, brain tissue, bone marrow. The works.”

Evan sighed and dropped the head. “Ugh... Do I have to?” He whined as he slumped over.

Josh nodded and smiled. “Yup! If you don’t mind.”

“I DO!” Evan called before taking off. “Suck on that! Suckaaaa!” He called as he leaped away into the forest... and the hills.

Josh sighed and headed towards the giant corpse. “I figured I’d have to get it myself. The jerk...” He mumbled.

He then turned to Exetar and pointed to the carving knife on his waist. “Mind if I borrow that?” He asked.

Exetar perked up, still distracted by the earlier display. “Huh? Oh! Yes! Of course! As you wish!” He cried as he took the knife off his belt and threw it at Josh’s feet as he took a fearful step back.

“Thanks!” Josh said as he picked it up and started carving.

Exetar looked over to Inuk. “Who... what are these people?” He asked in a hushed tone.

Inuk shook his head. “I know not. We must leave though and tell the village elder.” Exetar nodded frantically and then the pair picked up their weapons and left.

********************

Author's Notes: {Well this one was a long time in the making. Evan and I wrote 59 and 60 a LONG while back, but the last section of 59 got lost so there was an odd gap we had to fill before we could publish it and continue on. We kinda forgot what we had done....}

(Evan is not here right now. If you’d like to leave a message please do so after the tone. TOOOONE!)

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/77895/Agasaki-Ishano