Self Insertion

Chapter 060

Attack of The Penis Monsters

Josh looked interested as he looked at the microscope eyepiece things. “This is interesting.” He said.

“You definitely look like you're interested.” Ranko, who was sitting beside him, said. “What's so interesting?”

“This thing's like... totally like a dragon.” Josh said.

“It's actually a Wyvern.” Evan said. “Just letting you know that you're an idiot is all.”

Josh gave Evan the finger. “Whatever dude. I never said it was a dragon, just that it's like one, which leads me to believe that it may be possible that there actually are dragons on this world.” josh then gave an impressive nod. “That's pretty cool.”

“And dangerous.” Ranko added.

Josh rolled his eyes. “Yeah well not for me or Evan. Because of our supoer powers and abilities we're pretty much more than they'll ever be able to handle... Unless they totally swarm us by the thousands or millions.”

“Ha!” Evan stated. “As if that would ever happen. Man that's retarded. These people get along just fine living in this world and they're wimps. My guess is that they're pretty scarce, or at least they keep to themselves pretty well.”

Just then there was a knock on the door. Josh looked up at a monitor and noticed on the security screen that the two hunters from before were frantically knocking on the door. “Huh. Those guys are back.”

Josh then pressed a button and spoke. “What do you want!?” Josh demanded.

The hunters looked startled by the voice, not expecting it, especially not amplified and right in front of them like that. “Let us in!” Inuk said. “There's more coming!”

“More what?” Josh asked.

“Monsters!” Exetar added. “They're coming right for your building!”

Josh sighed and turned off the intercom, shutting them up. “I guess we should go out and help them. Besides, I think they would be useful in helping us find the materials we need on this primitive planet.”

Evan followed close behind his friend on the way out to help against the Wyverns. “I wonder if it's chicken or pork...”

“Be careful.” Ranko called out.

“Don't worry. I'll be fine.” Evan said.

Ranko looked annoyed. “Not you.”

***********

“Your woman is a bitch.” Evan said as the pair stepped outside the apartment.

“Shut the fuck up... at least I'm not yiffing some furry lover's dream.” Josh retorted.

“Heh... yeah... god, what has become of me?” Evan said as he looked up into the sky for the monsters. “Wow... they were NOT kidding when they said lots.” Evan said pointing upwards at the mass of flying creatures that was slowly blotting out the sun.

“Huh... I wonder what they call those greenish ones.. look kinda like that Rathawhatsis I ripped the head off of.” Josh wondered outloud.

“I am not going to be hungry for a long time.” Evan said cracking his knuckles.

“Seems like more on the way.” Josh mentioned casually as he pointed to the ground at some oncoming wyverns.

“Ugly as shit.” Evan said of the ground wyverns. “Kinda look like bleached white wangs on legs.”

Josh chuckled. “Heh, kinda do.”

“They are called Khezu, and they are more deadly than they look.” came Inuk's voice from behind them.

“Oh, local yokal is going to help?” Evan said with a smirk.

Inuk frowned. “You'll need the help. You don't know what these creatures are. I've seen most of them and know the names of the others.”

“Killed any?” Josh asked.

Inuk pointed to an ungainly creature with a large crystal attached to it's head that was rushing towards the apartment with it's head flapping wildly side to side, purple goo flying from it's mouth. “That is a Gypceros, me and my partner have killed a few of them, their spittle is toxic and the rock on it's brow can emit a bright flash of light.”

“Heh, partner.” Evan chuckled before regaining some seriousness. “Wonder why they are coming here?”

“I don't know.” Inuk answered quickly. “They normally do not congregate like this.”

“Well, enough standing around.” Evan said staring down the Gypceros as it got nearer. “Let's kill these abominations.”

“Ok.” Josh said casually. “I'll take the sky, you take the ground?” He offered to Evan.

“Deal.” Said Evan as he began to rush directly towards the Gypceros.

“How are you going to deal with the Rathians in the sky? Are you a gunner?” Inuk asked.

“Kinda.” Josh said bringing out a remote control. Quickly tapping some buttons he frowned. “Any second now.” He muttered to himself.

“What is going to happen?” Inuk asked curiously.

“You'll see.” Josh replied absent minded as he tapped some more buttons. “Oh you'll see.” With that he triumphantly pressed one last button.

As the button was pushed the top part of the apartment shifted and started to seperate, revealing what seemed to be a large pillar.

“Is that... a gun?” Inuk asked in amazement.

“Not exactly. I call it a Neuro-shift Cannon. It was originally built to neutrallize the crew of another ship, if we came across one during our travel, but I suppose these Rathithingers will have to do.” Josh said as a loud hum was heard from the tip of the pillar.

“What does it do?” Inuk asked, sounding baffled.

“Watch.” Josh said as the pillar emitted a large ball of light that rose towards the rathians quickly. The ball got to the middle of the pack and erupted in a blinding pulse of light. “Oh, cover your eyes.” Josh said slightly after the fact. “And watch out for falling Wyverns.”

“What?” Inuk asked, rubbing his eyes vigorously to attempt to gain sight after being blinded by the light.

“The Rathimajiggers are now experiencing a total nervous shutdown... I assume that it will greatly disrupt their ability to fly. As such, they will be falling. We should go inside.” Josh curtly remarked as he guided the blind Inuk back into the apartment. “The top of the building is quite well armored and should protect us all right.”

*************

Evan grinned as he drop kicked the Gypceros in the gut, making it puke poison and rear back screaming. “WHATAA!!” He screamed in an imitation of Bruce Lee as he force pushed the creature back into one of the white penis monsters that Inuk had called a Khezu and watched as the Gypceros was quickly electricuted by the Khezu. *Poison and Electricity, crazy creatures around here... wonder how Josh did?*

The Khezu that had electrified the Gypceros quickly shrugged the now corpse of the Gypceros off of it and began barreling towards Evan, the only other Khezu doing the same from Evan's left side. When they drew near enough Evan merely jumped, avoiding both and letting them run into each other, send a few sparks and jolts of electricity flying. “SHOCKING!” Evan announced in a display of terrible humor as he fell downwards and used his momentum and a good dose of the Force to drive his knees into the skulls of the two Khezu, spilling brain matter and wrecking his pants. “And I liked these pants too...” Evan griped as he quickly looked around for more wyverns and, when he saw none, headed back to the apartment.

All of a sudden five more Wyverns burst from the nearby bushes and trees, two of them looked like shark-fish-birds, one looked like a horse-unicorn-lizard, and the other two were bigger more penisy versions of the penis monsters.

Evan farted as all five Wyverns started charging him. “Bring it BITCHES!!!” He screamed, just before a large pile of Rathians, Rathalos, and Kut-Ku fell from the sky crushing the other Wyverns and seriously injured themselves in the fall.

All the Wyverns that were still alive started writhing in agony from their injuries. Evan then jumped in on the pile and started kicking heads as hard as he could. As the Severed heads flew Josh came out, ducking a random Rathian head, holding a big device in his arms.

“Hey.” Josh said, setting the gun like device up. “Leave one of the Rathalos alive for me. I want to see why there's so many of them coming straight for here.”

“And preform some inhumane tests?” Evan asked, slowly crushing a Kut-Ku's head.

Josh nodded. “One or two.”

“Excellent” Evan said as he grabbed a nearby Rathalos, that was starting to stand up and tossed it towards Josh as hard as he could.

Josh jumped up, caught the Rathalos by it's neck and slammed it on the ground, stunning it. He then pointed the gun thing at it and fired, sending some sort of electric looking blast at it the appeared to make the Rathalos go stiff. “In the bag.” he said.

“Ready to go!” Evan added, killing the last of the remaining Rathians.

“Josh then struck a cocky pose. “We be fast.”

“AND THEY BE SLOW!” They both added together thrusting out a pointed index finger each at the downed behemoth.

Inuk and Exetar left the building just then and noticed them standing triumphant over a field full of what looked to be almost 50 or so Wyverns of various types and sizes. “My god!” Inuk started as he slowly walked towards Josh. “What are you?”

Josh blinked. “I figured it was pretty obvious from my appearance. I'm a person.”

“Yeah.” Evan added, “We're just not inbred, yokel, hicks like you two.” He then turned towards Josh. “So what's first, with this one? We gonna skin it alive? Barbecue it?”

“Nah.” Josh said. “First I'm going to restrain it as tightly as possible and see why it's here. Judging by the locals...”

“Yokels.” Evan corrected.

Josh roleld his eyes. “These two guys.” Josh said. “This amount of Wyverns in this area is very uncommon, so I'm going to assume that it's because of our being here. So I'm going to shut down all the machinery in the apartment and then turn on everything one thing at a time and then see which ones make it tick.”

Evan rubbed his hands evily. “Yes... sweet sweet torture.”

Exetar looked at Inuk. “There's a lot of dead Wyverns here.” He said.

Inuk nodded, looking around at the carnage. “We could certainly make some really good armor at the armory with materials like Plesioth, and Khezu couldn't we?” He asked, already really knowing the answer.

Exetar nodded. “I think I also see a Kirin over there.”

“No reason for us to impede on these travellers any longer I think.”

“No no reason at all.”

Exetar and Inuk then walked up to the piles of dead Wyvers and started carving scales, tails, hides, and claws from all the most dangerous of Wyverns in the pile.

*************

The village elder sat on his chair looking out on the village that he had worked so hard to make a peaceful place. He had seen the black sky earlier, before it fell down around the forest and hills nearby. Many people didn't notice it, some that did thought it was just a storm cloud, but he knew better, it was an army of wyverns, and they were heading towards the town before a bright light knocked them all out of the air. He hung his head in thought. *”I wonder what's drawing them here?”* he wondered internally. *”I see more on the horizon, so far away, that it looks like nothing but a cloud, but I am sure that it is another cloud of Wyverns. They'll reach the town by tomorrow.”*

The village elder then looked up to notice two of his finest young hunters returning from the forest and hills area, where all the wyverns fell. His eyes widened in shock, he had sent them after a kut-ku that was bothering the farms around the area, but after the Wyverns fell from the sky he thought they would have been overwhelmed, but they looked better than okay. They were strutting into town unharmed, with three Felynes carrying a cart with dozens of Wyvern parts atop of it. Plesioth, Gypceros, Kut-Ku, Rathian, Rahtalos, Khezu, even a whole Kirin.

The elder hopped off of his seat and walked towards the two young men. “Ooooh!” He said, getting their attention. “You two are alive. As much as I'm relieved and glad to see this, I can't help but be surprised. How did you escape that army of Wyverns?” He asked.

Inuk smiled. “We didn't escape.”

“Didn't escape?” The elder asked, confused. “Then how do you explain your presence back in the village?”

“All of those Wyverns and other monsters are dead.” Exetar said.

“You... you fought your way out!?!” The elder said, holding his chest in his shock, feeling as though he might have a heart attack.

Inuk put his hand behind his head and chuckled nervously. “Actually someone else killed the Wyverns. We were just getting some materials since the two that fought them only wanted their meat. They didn't need anything for weapons or armor.”

Exetar smacked Inuk on the back of his head. “Idiot! You weren't supposed to say anything.”

“Other two?” The village elder asked, intrigued by this.

Exetar sighed and started to explain. The elder nodded thoughtfully as he listened intently to their story. When Exetar was done the Village elder spoke again. “I think perhaps these strangers may be the foretold ones, the legendary warriors that have no fear of any Wyvern or dragon. If this is true, then Kokoto need no longer fear any more attacks from Wyverns so long as they are here.”

Inuk and Exetar looked at each other and cocked their eyebrows. “Somehow we doubt that.” Inuk said.

“Bring them to the village.” The elder said, waving them off. “I wish to speak with them.

“We have to go back there?” Exetar said, sounding defeated.

The elder sighed. “Fine I'll make it a personal mission from me. I'll pay you 5000z if you bring them here.”

Exetar and Inuk looked at each other and shrugged. “5000z can't hurt.” Exetar said.

“Okay.” Inuk said. “We'll do it.”

The pair left the Felynes to take the cart and deal with the Wyvern materials and then left the village again to look for the duo of Josh and Evan, the proposed foretold ones.

****************

Josh sighed as he dropped the wings of the Rathian that he had just torn off of a living wyvern as Evan punched a hole through it's skull.

“God!” Josh said “How am I going to get enough time to work on the ship with all these wyverns coming endlessly?” He asked out loud. “At this rate we'll be stuck on this planet forever.”

Evan wiped his hand off on his shirt of the Rathian brains and other wyvern goops and walked up to Josh. “Well, look on the bright side. If we attract all of the wyverns on the planet here then we'll have plenty of time to work on it once we make them all extinct.”

Josh groaned. “But then we'll throw off the ecological balance of the world.”

Evan shrugged. “We'll never be short on food.”

Josh sighed and pulled out a remote control from his pocket. “Well I'm going to shut off the ship entirely right now, so we can at least try to diagnose how we're going to fix it. It'll be a lot harder with the ship off, but the Wyverns at least won't be attracted.”

Evan shrugged. “Case closed.”

“Actually, the refrigeration units in the ship won't work with all of the ship turned off, so all the wyvern meat that you carefully filleted and packaged will go bad in a day or two.” Josh corrected.

“Aawwwwww!” Evan said, throwing his hands up in the air in disappointment.

“That Rock Monster meat tasted like ass anyway.” Josh said turning around and heading into the ship.

“Rock Monster! RAWK MUNSTER!” Evan sang to the tune of rock lobster by the b52s.

“I hate you.” Josh grumbled.

“I know.” Evan replied with a smile.

*******

A few hours later Inuk and Exetar arrived at the apparto-ship.

“Hello?” called Inuk as he knocked on the door.

A few moments later a barely clad Mee'Yaow opened the door. “Yes?” she asked.

“Um... miss cat lady... you aren't wearing very much clothes.” Exetar pointed out. “And I have to say, I'm kinda surprised... I mean, don't cats have 6 nipples or something? I mean, you only have two...”

Mee'Yaow started and quickly brought her undergarments up to cover her exposed boobies. “Um.... er... I have to go.” She quickly said, running from the doorway.

“Ok...” Exetar said sounding puzzled. “I mean, even Felynes... they have 6 nipples don't they?” He asked his compatriot.

“I haven't bothered to check.” Inuk hastily replied.

“Right well.. Shouldn't we find these 'chosen guys' or whatever?” Exetar said, making quote marks in the air.

“Yeah... hopefully they are still home.” Inuk said, beginning to walk into the door.

“RAAAAAAWK MUUUNSTAAAAAAA!” Came a cry from inside the building as a nearly naked Evan came running towards the pair wearing only a head piece that looked like a basarios head.

“HOLY SHIT!” Exetar yelled as he dodged out of the way of the almost naked man, draggin his life partner with him.

Evan passed the pair and the glared out of the small eye holes. “The Rawk munsta is not pleased with your presence here. Leave the rawk munsta's sight so he may resume chasing a mostly naked cat girl around the aparto-ship much to the chagrin of its other residents.”

“But um...” Inuk began.

“SILENCE! The rawk munsta will not hear the reasons of mortals whilst there is nekid ladies for the chasing.” Evan said, cutting him off.

“Sir rock monster?” Exetar started carefully.

“It is Rawk Munsta, but as you have addressed me by my true name I will hear you out before stomping your puny bodies into the dust as is befitting of a rawk munsta to do.” Evan replied, crossing his arms over his nekkid chest.

“We need to bring you and your friend back to the village so that our elder can speak to you.” Exetar finished.

Evan contemplated this. “Hmm... The rawk munsta shall go, for the apparto-ship is lame and no longer filled with the meats of the many winged creatures he has slaughtered. I must speak with my ally and see if he will accompany us to your village geezer.” With that Evan turned around and bellowed. “HEY JOSH! WANNA GO SEE SOME OLD DUDE WITH THOSE TWO GAY GUYS FROM BEFORE!?!”

“NO!” Came a equally loud response from elsewhere in the ship.

“My ally does not wish to join us on our trek, therefore I must go alone.” Evan said solemnly.

“Umm.. I guess that is ok... I mean he would rather talk with the both of you.” Inuk said.

“I shall confer again with my ally.” Evan replied. “HEY JOSH!!! ARE YOU SURE!?!”

“YEAH!”

“OK THEN!”

“He does not wish to go.” Evan said with his basarios head bowed.

“Alright.” Exetar said.

*****************

Much later still

“The Rawk Munsta is not pleased by the shortness of you geezer, he demands a new geezer be found immediately.” Evan said, crossing his arms and pouting from behind his basarios mask.

The village elder looked on in awe. “It cannot be. He is the chosen one...”

“You have to be joking.” Inuk said dryly staring at the elder.

“I do not joke.” The Elder replied as he pulled out an old cloth weaving depicting a man clad who seemed to have a basarios' head fighting and beating a dark black dragon. “He is the one who will rid the land of Fatalis.”

What's a fatalis? Evan asked.

“It is a black dragon that terrorizes the lands that we live upon.” The elder started. “Even the mountainous Lao Shan Lung cannot stand up to this creature. Will you help us rid the lands of this monster once and for all young one?” He asked. Evan looked thoughtful, he then remembered that he was in the middle of chasing Mee-Yaow and had yet to bone her, which was his mission all along.

“No.” Evan said. He then started walking back to the Aparto-ship.

************

“Hmmm...” Josh said as he contemplated the mechanics of the ship. “So if I put this here and this here... then that should at least dampen the amount of silent noise that's attracting the wyverns.” he said as he connected a few wires to some other things.

He stepped back from his working and then pulled out the remote turning on the ship. The screeching wails of the captured Rathalos started resonating within the walls of the Aparto-ship.

“Hmmmm.” Josh noted as the Rathalos' head exploded from the noise that only wyverns could hear. “That seems to have just made it worse.

Just then Josh heard the shrieks of several dozen Wyverns from outside coming to attack the ship again. Josh shut it off and started heading downstairs to the lobby, so he could exit and deal with some of the Wyverns that got close.

Ranko stopped him on his way out. “Going to kill more Wyverns?” She asked.

Josh nodded. “Yeah. My last adjustments kind of made it worse so I probably just set off a lot more Wyverns than usual.” They might not come directly here since I shut off the power again, but there'll be a few that will be able to get close enough that they could do some damage.”

Josh exited the apartment and was instantly confronted by a Gravios, a Diablos, and a Yian-Garuga. “So bigger rock monster, purple spikey chicken monster, and devil horned, diggy monster. I know just the remedy for those.” Josh said as the monsters started to charge at him, assuming that he was the cause of their combined monster headaches {Pun SO intended}.

Josh then pulled out a little grenade and threw it straight down the gravios' throat, exploding his insides, he then pulled out a shotgun and jumped on top of the garuga, shooting it's brain through it's eye holes. He then jumped on top of the diablos and slapped a sonic resonator in between its horns. He activated it and the Diablos started writhing in absolute agony for about five minutes straight as blood and black pus started gushing out of its orifices.

Josh looked at the black ooze curiously, walked up to it and stuck his finger in it. He then tasted it.

“Mmmm. nutty.”

Josh then went back inside.

TBC

*************

Author's Notes: {Shit... I dunno why I said that... It was the first thing that came to my mind... ANYWAY! We're on chapter freaking sixty... we're fourty chapters away from FINISHING SI!!! that's incredible.

FUCKING INCREDIBLE!

But yeah. We've been playing a LOT of Monster hunter, and we're only going to be playing more when we get another copy and can play multi player. Right well... INUK CHUK!}

(RAWK MUNSTA! We was at a partah? RAWK MUNSTA! I don't know the lyrics... something about down... anywho yeah... 40 more w00t w00t)

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

http://streetdoctor.pwnageinc.ca