Self Insertion
Chapter 26
M.A.R.S. Attacks
Evan stood in front of the crab filled crater and smiled. "Ahhh... crabs... source for humor in every dimension."
Josh just smiled. "You are getting more and more messed up. Oh yeah... and we are supposed to get info on lesbos so
that Jay and Silent Bob could kick ass."
Evan looked sad. "I wanna kick ass too." She said with a whimper.
"I'm sure you do... but what info do you have so that we can give it to the good guys... and I emphasize guys." Josh
said, smiling at her own bad joke.
"Um... they dyke out all the time?" Evan offered weakly. "Or... they have orgies?"
Josh shrugged. "Good enough."
With that the pair walked off into the sunset.
*****************
JD sat on a park bench with image inducer on. *Heh heh heh.* He mentally laughed. *They all think I'm a girl.*
*****************
Back to Evan and Josh (The only true main characters... JD is supporting cast... he won't even get mention in credits)
who were now back in their apartment due to a swift Instant Transmission by Josh. "That was quick thinking with
that Instant Transmissible disease move of your Josh." Evan said to Josh, who was now in male form due to a prank
from Evan involving the summoning of a Super Soaker filled with hot water.
"You are a fucker. You know that right?" Josh said, sounding irritated, and rightly so.
Evan smiled and opened the portal to her own dimension and slipped through before Josh could lay the smackdown.
When she appeared Catra bowed deeply and summoned the usual massage table and oils as well as some incense and
scented candles. *I don't know what it is about being a chick, but suddenly scented candles kick ass!* She thought
as she stripped down and lay face first on the table to receive another of Catra's amazing massages.
Back in the apartment Josh griped about missing the chance to lay the smackdown but shrugged it off as Kasumi
entered and went into hopeless romantic mode. "Hey Kas. How was your day?"
Kasumi wasn't in the mood for beating around the bush and ripped off her clothes, doing the same to Josh.
*************
One hour later. "Wow... that was amazing." Josh said, commenting on Kasumi's stress relief method. Kasumi nodded
and rolled over and fell asleep. "Ok..." Josh said as he decided not to press the matter and follow suit.
************
Evan rolled onto her back and smiled. "That was great Catra. You have amazing hands."
Catra blushed slightly, and nodded thanks. "I live to serve you mistress." Evan smiled and telepathically went
through Catra's brain to see what she wanted to do, as a reward for her services.
"You're a dirty girl." Evan muttered as she found the most pleasing one for both of them. Then rose and planted a
light kiss on Catra's surprised lips.
Catra pulled back. "Mistress. Why do you kiss me?" She asked, sounding innocent.
"Because it is what you want." Evan said, moving in for the proverbial kill, Catra deciding to go with it as Evan's
word's were the truth.
***************
Two moths later Josh looked confused as she looked at the walkie talkie that Jay and Silent Bob had given to her.
"Y'know... I haven't heard from Jay and the Silent one for a while. Do you think something's up?" He asked Evan
who was making out with some chick who was calling her mistress.
Evan pushed Catra off of her and onto the floor. "Hmmm. Bob eh?.......OH YEAH!! I gave them a bunch of superior
futuristic military weapons and armour... and some hardsuits from Bubble Gum Crisis..."
"WHAT!!!?"
**************
(In the BGC universe)
"AAAHHH!!! WHERE'D MY HARDSUIT GO!?!?" Nene screamed in anguish.
All four of the knight Sabers ran away from the boomers, they were previously fighting, screaming as they
desperately tried to cover their very nude bodies.
Leon looked on in surprise as he saw some of his close (female) friends streaking. "Never thought that dream would
come true." Leon then jumped out of his cruiser, tore off his clothes and ran after them. "Might as well play the rest
of it out like the dream. HEY GIRLS!! I'M HORNY FOR YOU!!!"
**********************
Evan shrugged. "Not our problem anyway... we have to go soon." She then opened her dimensional portal and the
chick stepped through.
"But there's like a year and a half left!!" JD pleaded, enjoying the fact that chicks actually liked him (He is a dud
when it comes to picking up... hehehe.).
Josh looked slightly confused. "Did you fix the counter? Or did you lie to us about it being broken."
Evan smiled. "Oh, it was broken... but I don't really need the counter... see I'm a lazy bastard and that counter reads
the spell for me and uses self generated mana. I have to generate my own mana... though I have near limitless amounts
of it... you know... hold onto power for power's sake? Anyway... I can make us go when I want to... so let's go." Evan
shrugged again and waved a hand over the counter, which rang instantly. "I'm bored here. I need to kill things." Evan
then pushed the button that opened up the portal. "Let's go."
JD hesitated, but Evan telekinetically hurled him through at breakneck speed, stripping him of the image inducer and
destroying it in one motion. Kasumi just walked through calmly, as did Josh. Evan smiled and summoned a small
cluster of twenty N2 mines all suited with counters set for 20 seconds before walking through the portal, laughing
hysterically.
********************
JD impacted in a soft grassy hill, leaving a JD shaped hole in it. Kasumi, Josh and Evan followed, being careful as to
not step in the hole. "So... um... where the hell are we?" Josh asked.
Evan shrugged and walked up to the top of the hill and came face to face with a scrawny bitch of a kid wearing a
backwards baseball cap and wearing a belt that had six little red and white balls on it. "Hmm... ASS!! ASS
GRABEM!!! WOW!!! YOU ARE SO DEAD!!!" Evan screamed as the boy backed up.
"Wait!" He protested in a whiny bitch voice. "I'm not Ass!! I'm Ash!!!"
Evan blinked twice and summoned a shotgun. "Sure you are kid." He said as he leveled off the shotgun at the kid's
head. "And your grass too... oh, nice to meet you... I'm a lawnmower."
"Go PIKACHU!!!" Ash screamed as he launched one of the tiny balls, which opened and created a tiny mouse that
was yellow and fat.
Evan smiled. "There is only one counter for that!!! COCAINE TYPHOON!!!" Evan raised a hand and a twister of
white powder swirled around the rat which had to breath it in or else it would suffocate.... It got super stoned... grew
dreadlocks... started listening to reggae... then overdosed... and started to choke on its own vomit. Evan decided to
put the beast out of its misery and unloaded five quick shotgun rounds into it, splattering brains and bits of bone and
blood all over ASS GRABEM!!!(Ash Catchum.)
Ash stared in absolute horror. Josh then walked over to Evan and put a hand on her shoulder. "Please let me handle
Ash... I've been wanting to for a long time!" Josh then glared at Ash evilly.
Kasumi also stared in horror. "How could you kill something so cute!?!" she cried to Evan.
Evan then turned to the wife of his best friend and frowned. "It's evil! Trust me on that."
Josh then lifted Ash into the air with one hand and glared at the whiney little kid just as Brock and Misty came into
view in the distance, just coming out of a nearby forest. Josh just simply snapped Ashs neck Steven Segaul style.
Misty screamed as she and Brock ran towards their now deceased friend.
"Why are you both sweaty, and why are your clothes on backwards?"JD asked as he came up behind brock.
All of a sudden Brock summoned Onix, and the rock type dino started to bash Brock into a near by tree.
Brock fell down convulsing and then summoned Vulpix and the fire fox blew a heaping ball of fire into Brocks nuts.
Brock Died, he died good.
Misty looked on in absolute horror as the Pokemon turned on their master and killed him. "What's going on!!
AAAHHH!!!"
JD just smiled at his friends. "Aren't Jedi Mind tricks kick ass!?"
Josh frowned as he noticed Brock twitching. "He's still alive I think... KAME HAME HAAAA!!" Josh then
incinerated Brock and his Pokemon, turning them into dust.
Evan ran towards Misty suddenly as the red haired water pokemon user ran away. Evan threw her hand into the air
and screamed. "I SUMMON YOU!!!! BOTTLE ROCKET!!!!" Evan then summoned a bottle rocket, pulled down
Misty's pants and shoved it up her ass.
Evan then ran away and a large bottle rocket explosion erupted, sending little Misty pieces everywhere.
Josh looked surprised. "That was a big bottle rocket."
Kasumi was mortified. "What's wrong with you two?"
JD and Evan looked at each other "Oh were gooooood!"
Josh jumped in and yelled "I HEAR THAT" Just then Josh, JD and Evan jumped up and did a high five. Kasumi
sighed and walked away.
Josh looked at her confusedly as she began walking away from the trio in a random direction. Josh then ran after her.
"Hey Kas! What's wrong Babe?"
Kasumi glared at him angrily. Josh shrunk back in fear. "You and your friends just slaughtered a bunch of innocent
children!" In the background Evan and JD high fived each other and yelled 'I hear that'again.
Josh grabbed Kasumi and gave her a very emotional look and began to say "Kasumi, I have something very important
to tell you. I...."
"What is it Josh?"Kasumi asked
"Im Gay!"Josh yelled aloud and started to do a little jig and quickly changed into pink spandex.
Kasumi looked up and saw JD flying over Josh laughing his ass off. Josh snapped out of it a moment later and
growled at JD. "GOD DAMN STOP USING JEDI TRICKS ON US!!!!"
JD Frowned as he floated in the air. "I haven't used it in a while it needed to be done."
Kasumi turned into a Cheetah and ran away at 175 miles per hour. Josh just looked in sadness as her wife ran away
from them. "Hey guys... maybe we should stop killing people." Josh then turned around to see JD and Evan
slaughtering several random Pokemon and Pokemon trainers... among them was Gary Oak.
Josh sighed and walked off in the direction of her wife.
Evan walked up behind Josh and burst out laughing. "Man what the hell has Kasumi done to you Mr. Sailor"
Josh turned around and shot Evan with a small chi blast at Evan's nuts. "Shut up ass hand! Kasumi's just pissed that
we've been killing shit good."
Just Then JD came down with a stupid dumb ass look on his face. "What's up JD" Josh asked.
"Oh nothing, I just got a June bug in my mouth, Oh ya Team Rocket is comming after us." JD answered as he hit
Evan with one of his wings.
"Hey, do that again that was kinda soft" Evan said in a girlish, im never gonna get laid, kinda voice.
"Umm Sure whatever" JD said.
Josh looked confused. "Why the hell would team Rocket be after us?" He asked, yes he's in boy type form now.
"And how do they even know we exist?"
JD shrugged. "I was spying on them and apparently they were following Ash Catchum and saw us slaughter them all.
They want us to join them and make us catch Pokemon for them."
Josh chuckled. "They do know that we'd just kill their asses and kill any Pokemon that we see right?"
"No."
Josh then sighed. "Never mind. It's probably not a good idea to kill anyone anymore. I want Kasumi back... she'll
never come back if we murder people. That and we have no idea where she is."
Evan shrugged and pointed to a little device that he pulled out of his pocket universe. "I planted a tracking device on
her when I was trapped in her body if that helps."
Josh looked confused. "Where'd you put a tracking device on her that she wouldn't notice?" Evan just looked around
suspiciously, purposely dodging the question.
"He was whacking off in her body and put it in her gash." JD said.
The beating ensued.
******************
Hours later the trio found the only hotel within a 600 mile radius, thanks to JD. Josh walked up to the person at the
main desk. " Hello"
The person turned around and it happened to be Nurse Betty. "Hello, how may I help you" she asked and then
winked at JD.
"Is there a lady named Kasumi staying here" Josh asked.
"Why yes, there is, she checked in about an hour ago, she's in room 234." she answered and then licked her lips at
JD.
Josh moved into Nurse Betty's view. "Aren't you a nurse? Why are you working in a hotel?" He asked. (Thought we
wouldn't ask eh?)
Nurse betty smiled. "My patients weren't happy with the way I... treated them... while they were unconscious."
Josh looked confused. "What you like, rape them or something?" The ex-nurse blushed and ran away. Josh just
looked confused. "Lets go find Kasumi and get her back."
Josh busted down the door and saw Kasumi looking out the window. "Look out radioactive man!" Evan yelled
"Kasumi, do you have men in here, radioactive men?" Josh asked.
Just then Bulbasaar came walking out of the bedroom and handed Kasumi 20 bucks.
Josh looked at JD and punched him the gut. "No mind tricks." The Bulbasaur quickly disappeared. Josh then walked
into the room. And sat down beside Kasumi. "Why are you so mad honey?" He asked.
Kasumi just looked away
Josh frowned. "Come ON! Gimme something to work with!" Kasumi turned and glared at Josh. The force of the glare
was so angry and powerful and Josh was sent flying into a wall. Josh looked surprised. "Woah! She's pissed!"
"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG!?!" She screamed at Josh. Josh nodded, though his expression was
that of fear, despite the fact that his powers far outweighed hers. "YOU JUST KILLED THREE LITTLE KIDS!!
EVERY UNIVERSE WE GO TO YOU KILL PEOPLE!! YOU SAID IN THE LAST UNIVERSE THAT YOU'D
STOP BU THE MOMENT WE GET HER YOU KILL THOSE UGLY LITTLE KIDS!!!"
Josh looked upset and hung his head in shame. Evan was laughing a lot. Kasumi proceeded to turn her arm into a gun
and shoot his ass through a wall with a laser. JD stood still and quiet. "I think I'll go find that nurse." With that JD
left.
(In this part Josh begs for Kasumi back and gets her... very emotional...NOT!)
*******
(Skipping emotional part)
*******
Evan and JD walked out of the room to allow Josh and Kasumi to 'chat'. "Hey dude?" Evan said. "Let's go kill shit."
JD shrugged, took two steps and convulsed in pain. He dropped to the floor as his neck started to split open and his
skin started to turn grey and rocky. Evan shrugged and walked away.
**********
Evan went down into the lobby to find something to massacre. "Dum di dum... nothing to kill." She said as the nurse
Betty lady walked behind the counter and smiled at Evan.
"Hello, do you need a room miss?" She asked.
Evan shrugged. "Nope, but do you know where the largest town on this continent is?"
The nurse nodded and brought out a map. "Sure."She said, pointing to a spot on the map.
Evan smiled evilly and teleported to Saffron city.
********
JD continued to convulse and transform while Josh and Kasumi argued.
********
"Do do do..." Evan sang as she started to plant N2 mines at key points in the city. She then walked by some guy with
a cell phone. "Hey, what's the number for the mayor's office?"
"Umm... 456-7734" The guy said just before Evan summoned a bowie knife and gutted him, taking his phone.
"456-7734" Evan repeated as she dialed the number. She waited until the receptionist picked up. "Hello, I want to
talk to the mayor.... uh huh... uh huh... I have planted high explosives all over the city and just killed a man.... uh
huh... uh huh... oh he will talk to me... ok... put him on... Hello, mayor person... do you like life?... uh huh.... ok...
well... I want a napalm strike ordered on the largest concentration of pokemon... Can't be done... what if I level your
city?... uh huh.... three o'clock is fine... Five planes please... napalm... uh huh... oh... and how about a thermo-nuclear
detonator... can't do?... city?... boom bitch... that's what your city will do.... ok... three o'clock. Sure. Bu bye now."
Evan hung up the phone and took the dead man's watch. *2... ok* Evan started whistling and walked away.
*********
JD stopped convulsing finally. But Kasumi and Josh continued to bitch. JD passed out from the pain.
**********
In a random military base. "Soldiers, we must perform a dastardly act to save the lives of millions. We must drop
napalm on the largest concentration of Pokemon ever! Professor Oak's lab. What makes this worse is Proffesor Oak
was not to be informed of this, so the world will lose a great scientist."The speaker paused for dramatic purposes.
"Suit up men." Just then a gorgeous woman appeared and began a slow clap which nobody caught on to.
"PREACH IT!!!" She screamed as the men got into their bombers. "Oh Halleluiga!! (I CAN'T SPELL)
*********
Back at the hotel. JD woke up and felt where the pain had started, his neck. He was surprised to find a gash of sorts.
"What the hell..." JD poked and was rewarded with a spasm of pleasure. JD flung himself back onto the floor and
moved around a bunch. "Whoa... that is cool." Then JD noted his hands. "What the fuck... I'm all stony... and hard...
weird..." JD also noted that he now only had three fingers, but didn't say anything about that and continued to poke
and prod the gash in his neck. "Sweet....." Just then Josh and Kasumi walked out of the room and noted the
Gargoyle-like creature sprawled out in the hallway.
"What the hell?" Josh queried. "There is a Gargoyle with a pussy in its neck!"
Kasumi looked on in horror. "I think that's JD... and he's fingering himself!!!... IN HIS NECK!!!" Kasumi paused and
shivered. "Ewww!" Kas then ran back into the room.
Josh kicked JD and started to yell at him. "STOP MASTURBATING IN THE HALL!!!"
JD paused, his fingers still in his neck. "Can I come in then? I want to... shower... or something..."
Josh punched him full force in the gut, basically folding him in half. "Ouch. That sorta hurt." He noted as JD flew
through the floor and the next floor, and the next floor, and then 10 feet into the Earth.
**********
Back with Evan. "3 o'clock." she said as she sat about a quarter mile from the napalm site, N2 trigger in hand. She
was rewarded with the sound of jets over head and within minutes Oak's house was burning. "WHEE!! THIS IS
SWEET!!!" She nonchalantly pressed the N2 trigger and cocked an ear in the direction of Saffron. "Oops... I think I
hear destruction." she then summoned a bag of marshmallows and a stick and wandered up to the blaze and started to
cook marshmallows on chemical fire. Evan then began to sing. "Roasting mallows on a chemical fire... over the ashes
of Oak... and the largest concentration of Pokemon in the known world!" She sighed and leaned back in a summoned
chair. "This is the life." She said as she ate her first mallow and spat it out. "Eww. Chemical fire doesn't taste good...
or does it...." Evan pondered this for a second and summoned the mother of all mashmallow roasting sticks, put the
entire bag of mallows on it and continued to sing... with aid of a summoned Dwarf... who was nailed to a post... so he
didn't escape.
********
JD flew up to where Josh was with his feathery wings, which were the only things that stayed the same. Josh
chuckled. "Heh heh. You look like some sort of Pokemon fetish reject."
"Shut up!!!" JD whined in a super whiny bitch voice.
Josh smiled. "It's true though!!"
Just then a large mecha smashed through the roof, shrunk down into the shape of a girl and got up revealing Evan.
"Hey! Guess what I just did!?!" Evan said with a big smile on her face.
Josh sighed. "Thretened to blow up Saffron city with N2 mines unless they take out Oak's lab with Napalm and then
do so anyway once they bomb him?" Josh offered.
Evan looked confused. "I guess I made the news..." Evan pondered some more. "But I didn't leave anyone alive...
HOW DID YOU KNOW!!!"
"How long have we been traveling together?"
"Point."
Evan blinked and looked at JD confused. "What the hell is THAT!?!" she said pointing at the feathery winged
gargoyle with the vagina on it's neck.
"A feathery winged gargoyle with a vagina on it's neck." Josh said. "I figured it was obvious."
"OHHHH!!"
"It's JD." Josh said without emotion.
"... ... .........OHHHHHH!!!!" Evan stated... finally getting it.
JD looked rather peeved. "You guys suck!"
Evan laughed incredibly loud, fell on the floor and rolled around. "SUCK!!! HA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Josh smiled. "Yes it is rathah humorous isn't it?" He said in a bad British accent, making him seem like 007, played
by Pierce Brosnan... Bad... British accent. Very bad. So bad.
Evan suddenly stopped laughing. "Pip pip. Charah, tea time! BOH GOB!!!.... let's go to Ranma-verse.."She then
opened a temp portal... like the ones in Diablo... you know... those ones... And they went... the blue portals...
Josh, Kasumi, JD, and Evan then jumped into the portal.
*****************
The portal to Ranma-verse opened up moments later and the group fell through and landed on the grounds of the
Kuno estate. It was nighttime. Jd was kneeling and then looked up at the moon. "Hmm." He then turned to stone.
Josh also looked at the moon, his pupils began to dilate and Evan noted that He had a TAIL! "OH SHIT!!"
Josh then looked down at his tail and blinked. "Oh bad..."
Evan, thinking quickly fired a magic missile at Josh's ass, knocking the tail off. "Oh thank god." she said as Josh's
eyes returned to normal. Kasumi was oblivious.
"What just happened?" She asked.
Evan shrugged it off and began to hum as she walked in the direction of the Tendo dojo, chanting something.
Josh looked at JD and then noticed Kuno blabbing about something that he could not decipher. "Hey Upper classman
Tatewaki kuno! Could I ask... um thou a favor?"
Kuno unsheathed his bokken. "What wouldst though wanteth with the great Blue Thunder?! What wouldst thou
givest in returneth?" {Or something like that.}
Josh smiled. "I'll get you a date with the pigtailed girl."
"Deal."
Josh smiled. "Okay... all I want you to do is guard this statue. I'll be back tomorrow to pick it up."
"Verily. Thine bargain be worthy of mine attention. Wait. What be this on the neck of yon Gargoyle? Tis soft while
all else is hard." Josh wasn't listening. He'd already spun a webline and started swinging towards the Tendo dojo.
With Kasumi flying beside him as an eagle.
**************
The next day.
JD woke up on the Kuno's lawn. "My neck feels funny."
**************
Author's notes: {Well that's the end of chapter 26. Yes We will explain why JD has such a condition.}
Evan is not here right now.
[yeah, these guys are bastard heads...dankie dakin dank....shout outs to Brian from Fanshawe!!!]
Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com
Evan McNeely: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com
yay.